I didn't see Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy until several years after its theatrical run. It wasn't because of any particular dislike for Will Ferrell (Land of the Lost and Bewitched notwithstanding), but because I have three kids. I may play a Big City Movie Critic on the Internet, but unless the title starts with "Walt Disney Presents" or has the word "Muppets" in there somewhere, a promotional screening is usually my only chance to see theatrical releases.
There's also no way of knowing if I'll catch the upcoming screening of Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues either. Paramount moved the release date up two days to December 18, a week already stupid with holiday movie premieres. More to the point, the bombardment of Anchorman 2 promotions is starting to negatively affect my desire to see it. This interview with Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning was merely one recent example:
Burgundy: Yes, we are. But after you answer the simple question: Who wins in a fight between Jaws and Cujo?
Manning: You're serious?
Burgundy: I'm deadly serious. Manning: I guess I'd say Jaws.
Burgundy: Right, because he has a mustache like Ron Jaworski? Manning: What? No, because he's an 800-pound shark.
Give Manning credit for playing along, but really; 800 pounds? Do some research, hayseed. We still have over a week before the movie comes out and the onslaught only promises to get worse (the Daily Beast has a rundown of appearances so far). Personally, I find his Durango commercials and duets with Robin Thicke a tad anachronistic. Anchorman 2 takes place in -- what -- 1980? 1981? How about some historically accurate marketing stunts?
Win Battle of the Network Stars
Ron Burgundy's splendid pelt -- to say nothing of his mustache -- would fit right in with the likes of Tom Selleck, Gregory Trapper John, MD Harrison, and Jamie Farr. Look for him to be a spoiler in the scotch relay.
Jump the Snake River Canyon
Righting a great wrong, Burgundy should complete the stunt Evel Knievel could not: jumping Idaho's Snake River Canyon. For bonus promotional value, his emergency parachute (deployed correctly this time around) would be a rich burgundy in hue, emblazoned with the Sex Panther logo.
Defeating the Soviet Union at Hockey. Again
Fine, there's no more USSR. And they let NHL players on the U.S. Olympic hockey team. And being from San Diego means Ron Burgundy has probably never seen ice, much less skated on it, in his entire life. Forget I said anything.
His post-game interview with Herb Brooks would be pretty epic though, wouldn't it?
Break the Story of Who Shot J.R.
He's allegedly a newsman, right? It was a crime that captured the imagination of millions, and Ron Burgundy would be just the guy to tell the world about that smell pirate hooker Kristin Shepard was the culprit.
Burgundy in SPAAAAACE
I can see it now: Ron Burgundy interviewing the crew of the Columbia, then accidentally trapped in the payload bay and rocketed into orbit. Hilarity -- and possible explosive decompression -- ensues.
That's one small step for man, one giant leap for Diversity, which as we all know was a wooden, Civil War-era ship.
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