Last time we explored the Marvel characters simply too lame to be included in the upcoming Marvel Vs. Capcom 3. This time, we'll take on the Capcom side of the equation, but with a slight difference. You see, most of the characters mentioned here are actually pretty damn awesome. It's just that for one reason or another they will never see the light of day again.
You'll note that the list is heavy on bad guys, and there are two reasons for that. One, the Capcom side is short on antagonists. Only Resident Evil's Albert Wesker has been revealed in Capcom's MVC3 lineup, while Marvel is sporting big guns like Doctor Doom, MODOK, and Dormammu. Two, the trailers and press release hinted of one more huge threat that'll be the final big baddie at the end of the game. Here's hoping it's one of the following.
THE ORC KING FROM KING OF DRAGONS
Why it's never going to happen: No one played King of Dragons on the SNES. No one except people who really wanted to try Dungeons and Dragons but didn't have anyone to be that nerdy with. For instance: Its interface was clumsy; its main characters didn't even have names; and they didn't even bother to call the end boss anything but Evil Wizard and Red Dragon. Still, it was a fun little adventure game, and its very first boss was the fat, loud, rude, chain-swinging Orc King.
Why it should! Ever since Lord of the Rings people have wanted to find a way to get into the mindset of the gutter race of the Orcs. Maybe underneath that pig-like visage beats the hearts of noble warriors! Or maybe they're the equivalent to porcine soccer hooligans. Who can say? One thing we know for sure is that MVC3 is currently lacking a good fat guy to laugh and beat people with chains. It's like NASCAR without chewing tobacco!
SCROOGE MCDUCK FROM DUCK TALES
Why it's never going to happen: Back in the '80s, Capcom made all of the Disney Afternoon spin-off games like Darkwing Duck, Rescue Rangers, and the best of the all, Duck Tales. The game, starring Scrooge McDuck still stands the test of time as a fun, challenging sidescroller with plenty of personality. Still, Scrooge was only licensed to Capcom. They don't own him, and even though Marvel is now also a Disney-owned commodity, there's no way Disney is going to let a family-friendly favorite who's still very popular as a meet-and-greet character at their theme parks get his ass beaten by Deadpool.
Why it should! Scrooge was great! He was agile on his cane, knocking the heads off carnivorous flowers, burglars, and pretty much anything that came his way. That Scottish accent is simply too cool not to be heard taunting Doctor Doom, and he can call on help from Launchpad, Gizmoduck, and even Bubba the Caveduck. We literally cannot think of a downside to playing as our favorite miser.
BILSTEIN FROM STAR GLADIATOR
Why it's never going to happen: Bilstein was the main villain from Capcom's Star Gladiator. SG tried to do with space operas what Darkstalkers did with classic monsters. The only problem was, the game was simply no fun at all to play. It was pretty enough, and you can't hate too hardcore on any game that lets you play as a conehead whose weapons are yo-yos, but most people felt like it was some kind of half-ass Star Wars fighting game. It came out before the prequels, and if people had known just how bad half-ass Star Wars was going to get they might have supported the franchise a little better.
Why it should! Just look at the guy! He's a combination evil-Optimus Prime and Darth Vader. Sure, he reads like a cardboard-cut-out of evil, what with being possessed by the hatred of his ancestors and dressing in his nifty death armor, but more notable bad guys than him have gotten by on less than that. Hell, Boba Fett has one line in the whole damn original Star Wars trilogy and people have named their children after him. The least Capcom could do is let Bilstein hench for a bigger bad guy.
PHOENIX WRIGHT FROM ACE ATTORNEY
Why it's never going to happen: Honestly, we have no idea. The Ace Attorney games are wildly popular, full of engaging characters, and wholly owned and created by Capcom. Of course, Wright's a lawyer not a fighter, more given to solving complex legal mysteries than administering a lack-of-habeas-corpus upside your head, but when has common sense stopped a video game?
Why it should! Phoenix Wright is the absolute king of the grand gestures, stopping opponents dead in their tracks with an, "I OBJECT!" There's no end to what he could do in such a dangerous and full-of-liability setting as MvC3. He could sue a Sentinel! He could subpoena Super-Skrull. He could totally arraign Akuma! Maybe more people would be inspired to finish law school if there was a chance that a lone lawyarrior could be the hero of an inter-dimensional conflict.
ADOLF HITLER FROM BIONIC COMMANDO
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Why it's never going to happen: Most of us who grew up in the '80s remember Bionic Commando, where a soldier with a robotic arm and no ability to jump took on an evil empire to save his friend Super Joe. What some don't know is that the man behind the whole plot was a clone of Hitler! Nintendo of America, for some reason, removed this awesome chance to keep that robotic-pimp hand strong against history's ultimate asshole and replaced it with a generic bad guy using generic symbols. Times are a bit more lenient artistically, but there's no way Capcom is going to risk a huge release like this on people being upset by the possibility of people playing, and maybe triumphing as Hitler.
Why it should! You want an ultimate bad guy? You want someone to make Magneto cringe and Wolverine think twice? We can think of no one better than a super Hitler clone. Hell, you've already got the Bionic Commando in the game, why not bring back his whole reason for existing. Soup him up with some cybernetics and watch as the worst of all universes unite against his threat. Come on Marvel, everyone knows that when it comes to bad guys you can't do better than Nazis.