Marvel vs Capcom 3 is a game that we have been highly anticipating for a decade, and it's going to be here in less than two weeks! We're not sure if we'd sell our first born to get our hands on a copy right now, but we might be open to some sort of rental program...
For the few of you who grew up in some weird religious cult that abhors violence and the indescribable high that comes from controlling the Incredible Hulk as he beats up Street Fighter characters, the MVC series is what happens when someone just says "Fuck it!" and throws a random assortment of comic book heroes and villains against pretty much whoever Capcom had laying around in their warehouse and lets them fight it out. At first, the series mostly focused on well-known flagship characters from both universes, but both sides have branched out over the years to try and include some interesting and obscure figures.
They're still releasing the names of all the fighters, but next is a list of five "superhumans" from the Marvel universe that we can be fairly certain are not going to be in the finished product because...well, they're lame.
Too lame to be included because: Squirrel Girl was created by legendary comic book character creator Steve Ditko, and no one has ever been sure if he was joking or not. The character was actually introduced to be Iron Man's sidekick. Her powers are squirrel based: She has claws, a prehensile tail, is amazingly agile, but most importantly she can communicate with the squirrels. Don't knock this skill! Using an enormous squirrel army she has been able to beat villains like Doctor Doom and MODOK, both of whom are scheduled to make an appearance in MVC3.
Did we mention that Squirrel Girl rewards her furry friends with an endless supply of acorns that she keeps in sacks on her belt? Well she does, and before you even think about trying to be funny, yes, she calls them her "nut sacks."
Why she should be included anyway: As mentioned before, she's pretty much taken down some of the most powerful villains in the Marvel universe single handedly, including Thanos, who was the final boss of Capcom's Marvel Super Heroes fighting game. Tell us you've never dreamed of summoning a horde of squirrels to defeat your enemies! It's like a Disney version of Willard!
Too lame to be included because: You have to feel bad for Marvel's mutants. First of all, it's the absolute laziest origin story ever used. Born that way, and that's it. No irradiated spider, no dead parents, no mystical testicle, just a kid who gets horns with his high school acne. Second, since Marvel is never really tasked with the burden of logic when it comes to the WTF of mutants, some of them are downright embarrassing.
Meet Beak! His mutant power is to look so much like a chicken that humans throw up looking at him; and so much like a human that chickens want to peck him coming and going. He's got some agility, a razor-sharp beak, and he can fly. What? He can fly about as good as a chicken hurled by a drunken redneck? Jesus Marvel, what did this poor kid ever do to you?
Why he should be included anyway: First of all, the kid has balls the size of emu eggs. He took on Magneto with a baseball bat, and even though he was stomped thoroughly by the Master of Magnetism it's still better than our plan of hoping his weakness is the smell of pooped pants. Plus, the Marvel side of the series has been looking for a challenge character like Dan from Street Fighter, and you could do a lot worse for a challenge by pitting a hu-chicken-man against people who can throw fireballs.
Too lame to be included because: Let's say you want to commit crime, and you're not gifted with some kind of real superpower like throwing electricity or something. Instead, you're one of those tinkerer kind of dudes who can invent kind of awesome technology. What will it be? Freeze ray? Battle armor? Fuck no, it's got to be a hoverboard!
Admittedly, there's not a single person alive who has seen Back to the Future II and was not willing to suffer a pastel pink paint job as long as it meant you could have a hoverboard, but come on. It's not a fear weapon, and we don't care if you have tiny rocket launcher gauntlets to back up your board skills. To top it all off, Rocket Racer was such a crap villain that Spider-Man ended up saving him from other villains half of the time. This guy was more like a drunken dare gone way too far.
Why he should be included anyway: Between the Journey t-shirts and the friendship bracelets, America is still knee-deep in an '80s nostalgia wave. There's no way a skateboarder who looks and acts like Sho 'Nuff from The Last Dragon isn't going to get picked. Think about it, we might hear the first non-ironic use of the word "tubular" in a generation!
WUNDARR THE AQUARIAN
Too lame to be included because: Wundarr is the last son of dying Dakkam, sent to Earth in a life-support birthing matrix and given abilities far beyond those of mortal men by the Earth's atmosphere. Yes, that's the Superman story, but here are some twists for you. First of all, the prediction that Dakkam was going to be destroyed in a nova was wrong, and absolutely nothing happens to the planet. The whole thing was pointless. Second, the couple that should have found his crashed ship decided the whole thing was probably a commie plot and left him there. No matter, he grew up, and when he finally left the birthing matrix ran across Man-Thing, who he promptly took to be his mom. Man-Thing, by the by, is what would happen if your compost heap had eyes and acidic snot, so you can see how a man who looks like a Biblical age Bee Gee could make that mistake.
He's insanely powerful, like Superman, but eventually he's brought down by a government agency and put in an autistic coma, when he emerges, he can walk on water and basically wanders the Earth preaching peace and brotherhood. You bastards! You turned him into a hippie. Damn you!
Why he should be included anyway
Three words. Super. Powered. Jesus.
Too lame to be included because: There has been only one badass brain-in-a-jar in video game history: Mother brain from Metroid, and even she needed a rocket launcher to pull it off. No Girl has no rocket launcher. She's mildly psychic, and she can sort of float away from danger. That's about it. She's basically as vulnerable as a cheap wine glass on the edge of a TV tray.
Did we mention she was a mutant? That should have gone without saying. Even worse, being a brain in a jar isn't even her power. A mad scientist kidnapped her and placed her there, basically using her as a psychic booby trapped doormat. Oh, she also has glowing blood. Seriously Marvel, these are not powers.
Why she should be included anyway
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Well...turns out that No Girl can also take and suppress powers. Sounds like an "Oops, we created a horribly sad and pathetic character" addition, but we honestly feel too damn sorry for her to argue against anything in her favor. In battle, she could make it impossible for enemies to use special moves. Then she could...Hey Marvel? Any other late additions we could use for this? Oh, she can control other's movements? Great! Now we can finally make Ryu hit himself.
Stay tuned for five Capcom characters who won't make the cut either!