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Five More Real-Life Candidates For Mortal Kombat

Honestly, when we penned part one of this article we thought we'd have to struggle to come up with five people who would fit in the weird and violent world that is Mortal Kombat. Just a few hours on the internet though has shown us that the world is so chocked-full of bizarre badassery that we're surprised every day doesn't end with a battle to the death.

If the makers of Mortal Kombat are reading this, you now have a 10-person roster for a fighting game that will eclipse all others. Please mail the check c/o Houston Press along with the naked pictures of Mileena we know for a fact you have.

Speaking of which...

MARIA JOSE CRISTERNA

Cristerna, a 35-year-old Mexican tattoo artist and mother of four, suffered years of domestic abuse. As a means of reinventing herself she became a vampire. We don't mean she became one of those "vampyres" that leave angry comments on our True Blood music reviews. She's no pale, ethereal beauty whose lust for blood is matched only by her melancholy immortality. Nope, Cristerna enabled her transformation through tattoos, filed fangs, and titanium horns implanted in her freaking skull. The implants were done without anesthetic as a gesture of strength. By comparison, Art Attack defaulted on a deadline once because we were afraid of the spider sitting on our laptop.

We find it significant that no one seems to have interviewed whoever was mind-numbingly stupid enough to hit this woman. We suspect they're a bowel movement in a Mexican tattoo parlor bathroom.

Fatality: We're thinking she could bite off their arm and beat them to death with the wet end. Just seems to sum her up.

ABIGAIL AND BRITTANY HENSEL

Abby and Brittany are the famous two-head girl that have made the round of health shows over the last several years. They are, of course, not two-headed, but are instead conjoined twins fused at the torso. Each controls her half of the body, each has her own heart, lungs, and stomach, though many of the lower organs are shared such as the liver.

The girls' maintain a private life, so we don't have any evidence of them murdering sharks or learning kung fu. However, their very existence as fully-adult dicephalic twins is testament to their toughness. Only four sets of conjoined twins sharing a single torso have survived into adulthood. However, Abby and Brittany have not only survived, but mastered the cooperation needed to drive, play piano, and type. If they would only harness their double attention span, we're convinced they'd be unstoppable.

Fatality: The girls each grab one of your arms and fight for position until you're in two handy segments. Perfect for storage.

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner