Five Reasons Why the Museum Guard Hates You

They're the unsung soldiers of the art world: the museum guards. They protect priceless art while standing ... for hours. They utter the words "please don't touch" several times per day, point visitors to the restrooms, and help an endless array of hapless fools understand the concept of a map. They work long hours for little pay and little thanks, suffer fools and philistines, and take abuse from pompous curators and bitchy event planners. In honor of their quiet dignity in service to the public, Art Attack allowed some guards the opportunity to vent.

Here are five reasons (and what the hell, two more for good measure) why they hate you.

1. Here are the basic museum-goer types: Older, well-dressed women, groups of women, and couples. If you don't fit into one of those stereotypes, you've already got me on edge.

2. I'm not a babysitter. You organized this kiddie tour without enough chaperones. Leave now.

3. Get a museum map, and read it. It's really that easy.

4. Dude, don't ask me what the art "means." I didn't curate the exhibit. Better yet, discuss it with your date. She might enjoy that, Casanova.

5. Sorry teenagers, but this museum just wasn't built for you. Until they figure out how to attract your demographic, go where your demographic goes.

6. We've been on our feet all day. So when the museum is closing, and you bumble along at a snail's pace on your way out, intentionally soaking up every second of museum time with your useless presence, I hate you. And when I remind you that it's closing time and you ignore me or, even worse, roll your eyes, I hate you twice as much.

7. Don't flatter yourself. It's not flirting. We're paid to watch you.

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Troy Schulze
Contact: Troy Schulze