Because I eat an unhealthy amount of fast food, I spend an unhealthy amount of time in fast-food restaurants. While this is terrible for my life expectancy, it's been great for my TV watching. While I own a TV and pay for cable, aside from food competition programming, professional wrestling and Dance Moms, I don't watch much television at home. If it weren't for the recaps we run here, I'm not even sure I'd know what Game of Thrones was other than a thing that makes people act weird on Twitter.
So the fact that my roommate and I found ourselves at our local fast-food fried chicken spot recently was absolutely normal. What was not normal was the fact that their TV was tuned in to a Game of Thrones marathon. GoT is not the type of thing one expects to watch when trying to enjoy some biscuits and chicken strips. Sports? Sure. News? Boring, but okay. Graphic sex and violence? Not so much.
While I wasn't personally offended because I'm a grown-up, this was a family establishment, and some parts of the show were not meant for the eyes of children. Needless to say, the whole situation got me thinking on the subject of other things not to show in restaurant dining rooms. Pay attention, fast-food restaurant remote control controllers.
There are few things in life as adorable as a mother holding her blanket-wrapped baby for the first time. It's one of those things that's almost guaranteed to make your heart swell. You know what's not adorable? Everything involving babies before that moment. Childbirth is gross, and if you don't believe me, explain to me why in our culture of oversharing your Facebook feed isn't full of birth videos. It's because everyone knows that what happens in that moment is disgusting.
(Bonus Pro-tip: Don't make the mistake I made and search for "childbirth" on Youtube.)4. Bugs
Everyone has that latent fear that he'll bite into his burger, look down and find half an uneaten roach just hanging out. If you don't have that fear, you haven't spent enough time on the Internet, and I apologize for ruining your life.
I assume, because I'm occasionally very naive, that the average fast-food joint is clean enough for food consumption. Even with that assumption, I still watch the people putting my meal together like a hawk when possible and always sit at the cleanest-looking table. What I don't need is to look up, see Joe's Apartment on the TV and suddenly start wondering about things with more than four legs. This story continues on the next page.3. Anything That Shows Us How Terrible We Treat Animals
The joke about not wanting to know how a hot dog is made could really be extended to anything we consume that's made out of animals. I know that the chickens that become the strips I enjoy more likely than not had an awful existence. Just because I know this doesn't mean I need to be reminded of it while I'm eating. If you need me to protest SeaWorld, I'll help out, but let me knock off this popcorn shrimp in peace first.2. Dismemberment
Maybe it's just me, but it's way easier for me to watch a movie/TV show where someone gets stabbed versus one where someone loses a finger. I can watch Mola Ram rip hearts out all day, but someone has a toe chopped off and my day is ruined. The most uncomfortable thing I've seen in a movie in the past ten years is that bit in Black Swan where Natalie Portman hallucinates tearing her skin off while taking care of a hangnail. My stomach just lurched thinking about it.
So yeah, I don't want to see anything that will make my stomach nauseous while I'm eating. That has the potential to lead to all sorts of unpleasant situations
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This one should go without saying, but since this whole idea started because some people who make delicious chicken lack basic common sense, let me state for the record that the one thing you absolutely want people to not think about while eating is throwing up. That needs to be the farthest thing from their minds.
And it's not just for their sake, either. Sure, throwing up is one of the worst things in the world, but you know what's just a little bit worse? Having to clean up someone else's vomit. So yeah, be a little selfish on this one. You'll thank me in the long run.