Every year around this time, the Discovery Channel feeds our national blood lust with endless loops of amazing and spectacular footage of sharks eating the shit out of stuff. Yes, "Shark Week" is now almost as anticipated as the Super Bowl, the World Series or even American Idol. Think of it as all those things, but for those who like seeing groups of baby seals taken down like a bag of powdered donuts.
Sure, this week is great, and you can zone out with the sound down and be mesmerized by all the blood while eating a large pizza all by your loathsome, but what about other "animals" in pop culture that need their own week in the spotlight?
(Must read this in the best and deepest extreme-sports announcer voice you can muster in your own head.)
This week the Discovery Channel and E! team up to show viewers anything and everything they ever wanted to know about the eating, mating and predatory habits of the Kardashian family. Get an inside look at Kim's ass, which will be the key to her spawning as many shark calves as possible with Kanye West. See the massive jaw structure of Khloé, which enables her to ensnare any number of NBA players with one crushing clampdown. A bloody and graphic compilation special featuring the sisters crying and dating young men proves that these vicious animals aren't to be trifled with -- unless you have a great lawyer.
(*I guess every week is Kardashian Week on E! though...)
Honey Boo Boo Week
She may be small, but with a few gallons of Go Go Juice in her system, Honey Boo Boo can be as terrifying and deadly as any hungry cobra. See Honey Boo Boo take down her opponents in fierce combat in the wilds of the beauty pageant scene. See her feed on dozens of young, live rodents in her kennel. The screams are horrifying, but the swiftness of this tiny female predator cannot be unmatched.
This pack of mammals doesn't know how to stop reproducing. Constantly mating in their large Arkansas outpost since 1988, the leaders of this family, dubbed "Jim Bob" and "Michelle" by their TV handlers, have shown that Mother Nature sure is a crazy ho. Their large pack of offspring are set to create their own broods, too, meaning that the species will in fact have a long lineage, with 19 males and females, and still counting. How do these breeders feed their young? Watch as they go on hunts in local grocery stores -- spaghetti is a staple in their daily diet -- armed only with their credit card and their cunning strength.
Tow Truck Driver Week
The closest one can get to literal sharks in the subhuman species, these bioengineered truck drivers were created in a lab -- one half shark, one half carnie -- to take up time on reality TV channels' schedules when Gary Busey is hibernating. You'll wince and cringe as these urban asphalt coyotes in places as exotic as South Beach make sure you pay dearly for parking somewhere you shouldn't have. There will also be a miniseries on ways to thwart these creatures, from actual human car owners that lived to survive and tell their tale.
Fox News Week
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Sponsored in part by Ringling Brothers and Fox Entertainment, Fox News Week will have you tickled pink by the monkey shines of these little guys and gals, dressed up in a variety of outfits, from Brooks Brothers power suits to the latest sweater vests by L.L. Bean. These cutie pies have been trained by their handlers to shake hands, smile and even read cue cards, using a wide array of inflections, tones and condescension. What's that? The pandas over at MSNBC and CNN want to play? This year, the first ever Network News Bowl will delight young and old as Bill O'Reilly, Rachel Maddow, Ed Schultz and Mike Huckabee wear little football outfits and cutefully duke it out for ratings. Peep that precious silver fox Anderson Cooper in his own referee uniform.