That sound you heard last weekend may well have been the sixth seal opening:
His bachelor days are over!
George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin are engaged.
A source with knowledge of the situation confirms Clooney popped the question and exclusively tells PEOPLE, "George and Amal are trying to keep things very low-key but they also aren't really trying to hide this, it doesn't seem. I think it's like they want the people they love to know that this is real, that they plan on being together forever."
Well sure, that's what everyody *plans* on (just ask Talia Balsam). Still, it's entirely probable a 52-year old Clooney is ready to finally take himself off the market. Fortunately for you ladies, there are still several eligible fellows you don't have a hope in hell of ending up with.
That's not entirely fair. After all, Matt Damon married a bartender, and Brad Pitt married a woman who used to sleep with *Billy Bob Thornton*, so anything's possible.
To help out, I've included an "attainability index" for each name. This is measured as the chance out of 100 any given female has of landing the bachelor in question. This number is determined by a complicated series of algorithms, phrenology, and Santería style animal sacrifices.
10. Ryan Gosling Age: 33 Pros: Rumored to have turned down People's "Sexiest Man Alive" award multiple times (that's so Ryan); appears well-adjusted, unlike most former Mickey Mouse Club cast members. Cons: Rogaine costs may become prohibitive; his band sucks; Lars and the Real Girl was rumored to be autobiographical. Attainability Index: 2 in 100
9. Leonardo DiCaprio Age: 39 Pros: Considered by many to be one of the greatest actors of his generation; speaks fluent German (no one who speaks German could be bad); likely has as much money as the Great Gatsby. Cons: Doomed to win a "lifetime achievement" Oscar; has Vladimir Putin's seal of approval; gets around like a record. Attainability Index: 5 in 100
8. Joseph Gordon-Levitt Age: 33 Pros: Has an Ivy League education (Columbia still counts, right?); "hates celebrity;" went to high school with the Joker. Cons: Has made multiple appearances on Jimmy Fallon's show; obviously wasn't considered a good enough Dark Knight candidate to get the role in Batman vs. Superman; if you marry him your name will be a hyphenated nightmare. Attainability Index: 10 in 100
7. Usher Age: 35 Pros: Mononyms are easy to remember; is the last surviving/professionally active member of the Kazaam soundtrack. Cons: Will turn infidelities (his or yours) into album material; vegans are pretty insufferable. Attainability Index: 15 in 100
6. Michael Fassbender Age: 37 Pros: Visual evidence for physical "prowess" exists; was once choked out by Gina Carano's thighs (sorry, that's probably only a 'pro' to me). Cons: Will be in the Prometheus sequel; is translating his critical accolades into producing and starring in ... Assassin's Creed; could you actually date him after watching 12 Years a Slave? Attainability Index: 7 in 100
5. Jake Gyllenhaal Age: 33 Pros: Strong hairline; that he's still making movies 13 years after Bubble Boy indicates serious career resilience. Cons: Constantly wants to discuss Donnie Darko theories; my wife makes me watch October Sky whenever it's on TV. Attainability Index: 20 in 100 (I met his sister at Sundance, I can totally hook you up)
4. Bradley Cooper Age: 39 Pros: Is no longer making Hangover movies; speaks French (chicks dig that); has some indie cred. Cons: Has now ascended to that DiCapriesque career peak where he's only dating models (and wearing stupid hats); resembles an emu. Attainability Index: 4 in 100
3. Chris Pine Age: 33 Pros: Best Starfleet captain currently on film or TV; appears to be seizing control of all existing action movie franchises. Cons: Fourth best Starfleet captain (behind original Kirk, Sisko, and Picard) historically on film or TV; has a criminal record in New Zealand, likely making him ineligible for any future Tolkien films. Attainability Index: 25 in 100
2. Chris Martin Age: 37 Pros: Is very sensitive; supported John Kerry; is friends with Shaun of the Dead's Simon Pegg. Cons: Supported John Kerry; may be permanently brain damaged after 10 years of exposure to this. Attainability Index: 12 in 100.
1. Drake Age: 27 Pros: Standards don't appear to be set very high; natural born Canadian; Chris Brown doesn't like him very much, which is always a plus. Cons: First name is actually "Aubrey;" you may end up spending time with Johnny Manziel; Attainability Index: 9 in 100
BONUS Paul Simon* Age:72 Pros: Gifted songwriter/plunderer of other musical genres, still an avid fedora wearer in his 70s. Cons: Is in his 70s and on his third marriage -- that may not actually be over (hey, I added an asterisk). Attainability Index: Are you really that interested?
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