Glee: It's Brittany, Bitch

Where's Focus on the Family when you need them?

Between this week's library masturbation scene and a "sex riot" that was almost enough to make me wish J.D. from Heathers had planted a bomb in the bowels of William McKinley High, I'd have thought James Dobson would be furiously firing off press releases in less time than it takes Jacob Ben-Israel's ass sweat to dry on a chair.

After all, this was the much ballyhooed "Britney/Brittany" episode, in which the music of the former Mrs. Federline was employed to inflame the passions of our youth and help break them out of the constricting boxes of their own limited perspectives.

I know, I'm as surprised as anyone that she was that persuasive.

Brittany the Cheerio (Heather Morris) finally gets her moment in the sun, and she makes the most of it. In her two solo numbers ("Toxic," "Slave 4 U") and one duet with Santana ("Me Against The Music") were almost as surprising as the episode last season when Artie got out of his chair during "Safety Dance." Morris demonstrates the hoofing skill that earned her a spot as a dancer on Beyonce's tour, and actually redeems a great deal of what has come before her character.

Yes. "Redeems." Look, I'm as big a fan of Brittany's one-liners as anybody, and her dialogue is often some of the funniest on the show, but ... let's face it, the girl is not operating at full mental capacity. And the central plot element of her having "made out with everyone in the school, including the janitor," is frankly pretty horrific.

Oh never mind, jokes about roofies are hilarious.

Will's initial resistance to the club's desire to do Britney songs seems a little odd coming from the guy who was so enthusiastic about Madonna and Lady GaGa last season. More understandable is New Directions' insistence; faced with the choice of Brit Brit or Christopher Cross (Will's choice) I think we'd all sympathize with their mutiny.

As it turns out, Will needs the healing powers of Britney Spears as much as anyone. Former flame Emma has hooked up with handsome dentist Dr. Carl (John Stamos), who encourages all who grace his dental chair to let their hair down, advocating the occasional indulgence in junk food and purchase of Corvettes (did I mention this week's episode was sponsored by Chevrolet?).

Aside from Brittany and the Will/Emma ... thing, we get more drama from Finn and Rachel, the latter wanting her man to stay off the football team so they can both be unpopular. She reconsiders, briefly, after an introspective rendition of "...Baby One More Time" (that's essentially a shot-for-shot remake of the video) and dresses like Schoolgirl Britney for a time to see what popularity feels like. As she puts it, she's "never dressed like a pretty girl."

No comment. And way to use Quinn to continue your creepy mind fuckery of Finn.

Next week's episode promises the club will "find religion," and what better way to express your adherence to the divine gospels than with "Only The Good Die Young" and Joan Osborne's "One Of Us?" Come on Ryan Murphy, we know what an '80s boy you are. I think it's time to bring the Mode:

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