I know, we're all bummed out the Texans lost. But since you've been drinking anyway, you might as well crack open another one and sit through the one awards show even the People's Choice Awards can look down its nose at.
I'll be updating this entry throughout the broadcast, so refresh often and try not gasp too audibly when you see Angelina Jolie has gotten even skinnier.
It' 15 minutes until the show starts, but there's already plenty to talk about. Most of this thanks to NBC red carpet reported Carson Daly. Who knew everything would be downhill from TRL?
Okay, we're not getting any younger or more sober, let's do this.
10:04 - And that's a wrap. Gervais was pretty subdued (and was onscreen maybe 15 minutes, total), but whether that was due to external pressures or simple boredom, we may never know. Big winners: The Artist, The Descendants, and Homeland. Losers: War Horse.
Thanks to all five of you who followed along. And I hope everyone sobers up before work tomorrow.
10:01 - Harrison Ford is no nonsense, as always. And he still has that stupid earring.
The Descendants wins Best Motion Picture, Drama. I hope Alexander Payne uses his entire speech to go off on ex-wife, Sandra Oh.
9:54 - Clooney wins Best Actor, Drama The official Clooney Count is now up to 648.
And props from Clooney to Michael Fassbender's schlong. I've seen Shame. It's formidable. And I'd like to point out, like Fassbender, I'm also of Irish-German descent.
9:46 - Here comes Ze French. The Artist wins Best Picture, Musical/Comedy.
First dog onstage at the Golden Globes? To Wikipedia!
9:45 - YOU DON'T PLAY OFF THE STREEP, YOU FUCKERS.
9:39 - Whoa, there are protestors at the Golden Globes? I hope Colin Firth gave them polite, dignified hell.
Meryl Meryl Meryl Meryl Meryl Meryl Meryl wins Best Actress (Drama). Not very good at improv, however.
Seriously Fincher, why didn't you just hand her the glasses?
9:38 - I like how they're trying to deflect some of the justifiable Driving Miss Daisy comparisons for The Help by having Queen Latifah introduce it. Give it to 'em, indeed.
9:31 - I'm going on record as saying if War Horse wins I will...register my disgust on the internet.
Jean Dujardin is awarded Best Actor (Musical/Comedy) by Jessica Biel wearing my mother's table cloth (that was my wife's joke).
9:24 - Best TV Series, Musical or Comedy goes to Modern Family. Now let's wait 25 minutes while the whole cast gets on stage.
Seriously, that bilingual acceptance speech almost makes me forgive NBC airing that goddamned Sofia Vergara Pepsi commercial 150 times.
9:22 - I think we just got tape delayed on Gervais' Antonio Banderas/Salma Hayek comments. I hope Banderas was actually using profanity in his response, but I don't speak Spanish. Why would I? I live in Texas.
9:19 - Holy shit! The shadow of Angelina Jolie's chin weighs more than she does.
Marty Scorsese (his friends call him "Marty") wins Best Director for Hugo. I'm still smarting from him not winning for GoodFellas.
9:17 - Robert Downey, Jr. manages to present The Artist with no bitching about Gervais. Then again, Gervais has been on for a grand total of, what, 10 minutes?
9:14 - Holy shit, was that really the John Carter trailer? I guess Avatar didn't have enough pecs, or something.
9:05 - Hot damn, Morgan Freeman has been in some great movies. And then there was The Bucket List.
And the "Elton Count" is at 3.
9:00 - Maybe someone will award Reese Witherspoon a comb.
8:57 - Hey AT&T, I don't know if the best way to market 4G is by showing a couple of guys tailgating with their faces glued to their phones: "Speeds so fast you'll completely ignore interacting with real people!"
8:53 - Octavia Spencer wins Best Supporting Actress for The Help, thereby allowing all in attendance to pat themselves on the back for recognizing a black person. Yay, us!
8:50 - Jane Lynch and Tina Fey should totally date: "Penis joke!"
Nice hat, Thomas Jane. And to think I liked you in The Punisher.
Hey! Matt LeBlanc won something (Best TV Actor, Comedy)!
8:40 - "Six-time Golden Globe winner?" I doubt they'll mention that in many Dustin Hoffman obituaries.
Claire Danes wins Best TV Actress, Drama. Y'all really should be watching Homeland.
8:37 - Madonna has bigger guns than Channing Tatum. Best Foreign Language Film to A Separation, from Iran.
8:33 - Re: Big Miracle: y'all know one of the whales dies, right?
8:30 Aw, that Desperate Housewife and William H. Macy are just annoying precious. Now let's see how stoned Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Mini-Series or TV Film Jessica Lange is.
8:28 - Winner of the Where Are They Now? award, Clive Owen joins Katherine Helmond from Brazil (AKA Nicole Kidman) to present Best Original Screenplay to Woody Allen.
8:25 - Somehow I don't think the premise of The Vow - newlywed wakes up and doesn't recognize husband - wouldn't be as sound if the husband looked like, say, Steve Buscemi instead of Channing Tatum.
8:20 - Anyway, Best Animated Movie can go to anything besides Cars 2.
Oh thank goodness, The Adventures of Tin-Tin won. Finally, an accolade for Steven Spielberg.
8:17 For those keeping score at home, this only counts as one Clooney shot. As for Moneyball, I like how nobody ever mentions that Oakland still hasn't won an AL pennant under Billy Beane.
8:15 - It's Dinklage's world (Best TV Supporting Actor in a Drama Series). We just live in it. For self-promotional purposes, I'll just say season 2 of Game of Thrones (which I'll be recapping here) starts April 1.
8:09 - Clooney Count is at 12.
8:08Seth Rogen wins the evening. Both with the "massive erection" crack (yeah, you're going to see Underworld: Awakening for the dialogue), and for pointing out My Week with Marilyn wasn't much of a comedy. Michelle Williams wins Best Actress (Musical/Comedy), nonetheless.
8:06 Idris Elba is finally getting some validation (Best TV Movie/Mini-Series Actor), only ten years after destroying everyone in The Wire.
7:56 - Oh good heavens, Madonna won (Best Original Song from a Motion Picture). She then took on all comers at the Beverly Hilton in a free-for-all arm wrestling match.
Okay, brief intermission while I put my kids to sleep.
7:54 - Seriously, that was the best speech of the night. Good on ya, Frenchy.
7:51 Adam Levine and Jimmy Fallon. AKA Dork and Dorker. They present the Best Original Score to Ludovic Bource for The Artist. And this the world was spared another humorless Trent Reznor acceptance speech.
7:46 - Dear NBC, please split screen between Sofia Vergara, Morena Baccarin and Salma Hayek and just run the audio. Kthx. Pete.
7:45Oh, and Homeland wins Best TV Series (Drama). This has the added benefit of letting us gaze upon Morena Baccarin for a few minutes.
7:42 - Kelsey Grammer wins Best Actor in a TV Drama, which is a surprise to everyone except those of us who stole our picks from the Vegas bookie sites.
7:41- Should've taken the over/under on sink defecation jokes.
7:37 - Sorry, when they bring the HFPA president out is when I go get another drink. What'd I miss?
7:29 Best Mini-Series/TV Actress goes to Kate Winslet. The Downton Abbey streak ends at one.
7:26 - Rob Lowe is wearing more makeup than Julianne Moore. Best Mini-Series or TV Movie is...Downton Abbey. Somewhere, Patton Oswalt is cackling into his KFC Famous Bowl.
7:20 - Whoops. Laura Dern wins Best TV Comedy Actress. Apparently the Hollywood Foreign Press are the only people who watch Enlightened. Clooney Count is 4.
7:19 - Ugh, I'm sick of Zooey Deschanel. So of course she's going to win.
7:16 - First award, Best Supporting Actor goes to Christopher Plummer. I'm sure like me, you'll always remember him for his greatest role: Reverend Whirley ftom Dragnet.
7:15 - Sorry, Gerard Butler. My wife can "Mm-hmm" you all she wants, but you're still dead to me for Machine Gun Preacher.
7:14 - I don't know which was funnier, Johnny Depp's admission that he hadn't seen The Tourist, or that fucking pocket watch. I was waiting for him to whip out his snuff box.
7:11 - I mean, the James Cameron and Helen Mirren jokes are funny and all, but there's a sense that he's kind of idling here.
7:08 - Low-hanging fruit for Gervais: Kim Kardashian; Eddie Murphy. Oh, and Adam Sandler. Edgy.
7:06 - Any idea on the over/under for Clooney close-ups? I'm going with 75.
7:01 - Okay, Sofia Vergara is unbelievably hot. I'd wear those earplugs gladly.
6:59 - Adam Levine: "Season 2 of The Voice, much bigger than last season." [don't make Christina Aguilera joke, don't make Christina Aguilera joke]
6:57 - Glenn Close has steel wool on her dress. Tighten up, Armani!
6:53 - Okay, predictions:
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Best TV Supporting Actor: Peter Dinklage
That's it. Oh, and I think this is the year for Susan Lucci.
6:52 NBC's interviewers are the worst. I actually felt sorry for Matt LeBlanc.
6:49 - Holy crap, George Clooney brought Stacy Kiebler up for an interview. That's the Clooney equivalent of introducing her to his mother.