Gwyneth Paltrow Needs a Personality Makeover

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I will admit, with some renunciation, that I am a GOOP subscriber. GOOP, which stands for something that is unknown to me, is the media site and subsequent newsletter of actress turn lifestyle guru-in-her-own-mind Gwyneth Paltrow. If you have never perused a GOOP "magazine" as it is now being called, it has some over-arching topic, often food- or art-related, and then they include a bunch of other items, such as highly expensive "Goop Approved" clothing lines or places that GOOPers would love to visit such as the Hamptons or Paris where they can purchase art for obscene amounts of money. I neither fit into the target demographic for this content, know who does, care for any of it nor do I want to be a person who does fit in and/or cares. So why do I continue to receive my regular GOOP newsletter? I like to annoy myself and spout venom about Paltrow to friends of mine who know my feelings on the actress. I used to like her a lot; I cut my hair like her in the '90s. Now she makes me ill.

It seems that I am not the only person that has issue with the waify blond. Other bloggers have written about her off-putting nature, and she has even commented on her many "haters." Recently, her publicists tried to get an upcoming article about her in Vanity Fair pulled, presumably because it paints her in a negative light (I've heard tell of any affair), and even more recently, homemaker extraordinaire Martha Stewart, for lack of a better word, dissed Paltrow saying that, "She wants to be a lifestyle arbiter. Fine. Good. I think I started this whole category of lifestyle."

Not too long ago, the female celebrity the world hated just because she was herself was Anne Hathaway. Currently, compared to Paltrow, Hathaway looks like an angel straight from heaven. When even Martha Stewart dumps a bad batch of sugar cookies made from wheat harvested from her own farm on your parade, you know you are in trouble. When did Paltrow become persona non grata, and is there anything she can do to fix her image?

FLASHBACK: I Don't Want to Hate Anne Hathaway, and I am Trying To Get Over It

Firstly, be a human being It can be stated that all people who consider themselves "lifestyle" experts live in a pretend world of matching toile linens and cocktail parties, but at least we know Stewart can take a dump in a prison pot with the best of them. There is just something so robotic about Paltrow. Whether it's her true persona or not, her flawless disposition is so off-putting.

I own and occasionally use the Tracy Anderson Method Pregnancy video. If you are unfamiliar with Anderson, she is a fitness coach to the stars, one of them being Paltrow; the two are as tight as they come. In one of the videos there is a short interlude where Anderson's famed clientele chat openly about their "pregnancy cravings." It's cute and fun. Anderson herself, a picture of fitness, mentions her affection for Arby's sandwiches. And then Paltrow comes on and laughs about her insane cravings for... apples. Really? I need to hear that your most sinful of food obsessions is the thing that when eaten once a day keeps the doctor away? And you comment on how scandalous this is as I am pretending to work out while eating a bag of Skittles? Thank you for making me feel good about myself.

Secondly, be yourself Maybe Paltrow is the most food conscience, macrobiotic, exercise nut, pillar of excellence, with a healthy sex life and two well-adjusted children despite their absurd names. If that's your story, fine, just stick to it. Don't pull the plain folks appeal with us, honey. You are above us, Gwenny; be proud of it. So often the GOOP blog will feature recipes so far removed from the actress' ultra-strict diet, it is laughable. She is not eating big bowls of pasta with cream sauce and garlic bread; she doesn't believe that carbs exist.

She was quoted this summer in Cosmopolitan magazine, saying, "I love Starbucks - I'll have a cappuccino. My guilty snack in the UK is cheese, and in America, things on buns: a lobster roll and French fries, or a turkey burger with cheese." Yeah right, and then when you are pregnant you indulge in fibrous fruit. It's OK if you refuse to put gluten in your body, just stick to your story.

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Thirdly, stop trying to be hip I think somewhere a publicist of Paltrow's convinced her to play up her "keeping it real" appeal, which she has none of. Paltrow likes to include all of the latest indie rock jams shuffling on her iPod in a section of her GOOP newsletter. How cool of her; she's so hip and current. She listens to Neon Indian when she lets people dress her for the Academy Awards. And, did you know she's great friends with Jay-Z and Beyonce? Did you know that she absolutely loves old-school rap. Oh, yeah totally, she'll bust a rhyme on your ass that would put Vanilla Ice to shame.

Please don't do that ever again.

Fourth, remember you are an Oscar-winning actress It feels like Paltrow hasn't made a movie in decades. That feeling is completely erroneous. She has consistently put out a movie a year pretty much since her career took off in the early '90s. The problem is that the roles she has chosen are dull and/or that of background material. Pepper Potts? That's the best role Paltrow has landed in the past decade or so? She is an Academy Award winning actress (for some reason). Her choice in roles has been dismal, poor at best. Even her most recent, Thanks For Sharing, earned little more credit than a media blitz over the actress' sexy strip tease. Way to show off your acting chops.

There was a time when Paltrow made good movies. With so much attention spent on ridding the world of gluten and food heated over 115 degrees Fahrenheit, Paltrow has forgotten her acting roots. Why not go fund and star in a solid little indie flick or at the very least a Spielberg biopic, and get yourself back in the game for real. (nothing with singing please)

Lastly, your "lifestyle" is not very relatable There are plenty of celebrities that have been touting themselves as "lifestyle" experts. Obviously, Stewart is one of the most famous, and while at times her attention to detail is anal and polarizing, you can still get a good recipe for apple pie or learn how to make a paper snowflake out of the lady. Oprah, another lifestyle expert, is riddled with genuine self-esteem issues that she shares honestly in her magazine and talk show, and, plus, she's always giving away cars and schools in Africa. Even Jillian Michaels, from The Biggest Loser, pushes healthy eating and happiness in between her screaming at fat people.

Platrow just makes you feel bad about yourself. And so what is there to do when you don't have the fabulous life of Mrs. Chris Martin? Well, you could buy her $200 cleanse and starve yourself happy or you could purchase some of the clothing that designer Stella McCartney made just to fit her size zero frame or you could just, you know, yacht over to the Costa Rica and drink martinis.

Who in the world can follow Paltrow's life lessons? It's like she is living on an alternate reality and assumes we are all there with her.

As I mentioned, there was a time when I really enjoyed her work and defended her to the naysayers, but she is need of a lifestyle coach. She might want to call Martha Stewart, who in case you didn't know, started that whole "thing."

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