A magic snow globe? Sure, why not?EXPAND
A magic snow globe? Sure, why not?
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Hallmark's 2017 Lineup of Holiday Films Reviewed Using Only Their Descriptions

Only in America could a greeting card company become a media conglomerate with its own cable network. But since they do have a channel, it makes sense it would air a parade of schmaltz in the form of low-rate, made-for-TV rom coms.

And once the holidays get here, the cheese factor gets cranked up to 11 as every B- and C-list actor imaginable lines up to don a Christmas sweater and hack their way through half-baked plots and pseudo-fairy-tale endings. Even Nancy Meyers is like, "Oh, my GOD, this is lame." It's like soap operas made into holiday movies with scripts only slightly weightier than porn.

While Lifetime TV may have brought us such classics as Holiday in Handcuffs, no one can muster a lineup of Christmas classics quite as saccharine (or as caucasian) as Hallmark. To help you with your plans for watching (we got suckered into watching Netflix's A Christmas Prince, so don't pretend you won't watch at least a few of these), we've broken them down, not by screening them—no way we were spending 40-plus hours killing brain cells—but by reading the descriptions and occasionally watching a trailer (listed below in order of air date). We figure that is more than enough information for all of us.

Marry Me at Christmas

Notable Actor: Michele Scarabelli
Notable Why? She fell in love with the android Data on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

A wedding planner finds love with bride's movie star brother, Johnny Blake in a town called Fool's Gold. We shit you not.

Cheese Rating: 9.5

Christmas Festival of Ice

Notable Actor: Taylor Cole
Notable Why? Stints on Heroes and CSI: Miami, also as "Martina the Hot Neighbor" in something called Secret Girlfriend.

The entire movie revolves around a lawyer trying to preserve an ice sculpting contest in her hometown because sure, why not? Of course, she barely has to try to convince a local artist dude to break out the frozen water and chainsaw and carve up a holiday miracle.

Cheese Rating: 10

Miss Christmas

Notable Actor: Fiona Vroom and Taylor St. Pierre
Notable Why? Those names and neither is a porn star (that we know of).

Please let it be about a Christmas beauty pageant. Please let it be about a Christmas beauty pageant...damn.

In this totally realistic premise, a woman whose greatest talent is apparently picking out Yule trees leaves the big city after a little boy sent her a letter bragging about his family's Christmas tree. He lives a small town (like pretty much every other movie on this list) and may have given her a chance to find not only a tree but...oh, we won't spoil it.

Cheese Rating: 8.5

The Sweetest Christmas

Notable Actor: Lacey Chabert
Notable Why? Started on Party of Five but was also one of the Mean Girls.

Combining a Food Network-style contest of gingerbread baking and an aw-shucks-I-gave-up-my-life-as-a-pastry-chef-to-take-over-the-family-pizzeria ex-boyfriend, what could possibly go wrong? We were hoping for more of a crossover, but sadly, no Alton Brown or Bobby Flay in this gem.

Cheese Rating: 9

Enchanted Christmas

Notable Actor: Carlos Pena Vega and Alexa PenaVega
Notable Why? The co-stars are actually married in real life, y'all!

Alternate title: Caliente Christmas. Going back home, an interior designer rekindles lost love through the magic of salsa dancing. We give this one points for it's willingness to have a backdrop that isn't a snowy mountainside (this is set in Santa Fe), but Tango De La Muerte this ain't.

Cheese Rating: 7.5

Coming Home for Christmas

Notable: Actor: Danica McKellar
Notable Why? Um, she was Winnie Cooper, obviously!

Think hillbilly Downton Abbey with a love triangle. Will the peasant save the house and get the guy? Will she marry the playboy or the stuffy suit? Will Kevin from the Wonder Years show up and save the day? So many questions, so few decent answers.

Cheese Rating: 8

A Gift to Remember

Notable Actor: Tina Lifford
Notable Why? Extensive acting credits dating back to freaking Knot's Landing.

It's the first appearance of convenient amnesia and it's set in a quaint bookstore! If they add a long lost twin, they could land the coveted soap opera triple crown.

Cheese Rating: 10.5

With Love, Christmas

Notable Actor: Milo Shandel
Notable Why? The man behind Principal Tater from Disney's Mr. Young has a name that sounds suspiciously like Evo Shandor.

Combining the crass commercialism of an ad agency making a holiday cell phone commercial with the tired tropes of an uptight co-worker/love interest and a secret Santa mixup, it's like Mad Men only stupid and with a script written by the marketing department at, let's say, Verizon.

Cheese Rating: 10

The Mistletoe Inn

Notable Actor: Alicia Witt
Notable Why? Recognized redhead with numerous roles on TV and film throughout the oughts.

A budding romance writer finds love with another semi-annoying romance writer while her ex, also a romance writer, seethes in the shadows...at a romance writers retreat! If there were any more references to romance novels in that last sentence, it would open a quantum singularity. By the by, we are sensing a pattern that doesn't just involve small towns (this is in some quaint Vermont village) and snow, but also the jackass dude who only needs the love of a woman to turn him into a sensitive gentleman. Keep the faith, ladies.

Cheese Rating: 9.5

Finding Santa

Notable Actor: Jodie Sweetin
Notable Why? Jodie from Full House all grown up.

A small town Santa impersonator falls ill before Christmas parade. A hot small town parade planner must find Santa's son who left home to follow his dream of being an Uber driver and avoid following in his father's footsteps...because in Anytown, USA, pretending to be the jolly fat man is a full time job. Of course, the son isn't fat because hot girl isn't dating a chubby Uber driver.

Cheese Rating: 10.5

The Christmas Train

Notable Actor: Dermot Mulroney, Danny Glover, Joan Cusack, Kimberly Williams-Paisley...what is happening?
Notable Why? As close to a blockbuster cast as you'll find in this lot.

Mulroney (My Best Friend's Wedding) plays a grumpy writer taking a train to the nation's capitol. On his way, he meets Glover (Lethal Weapon), Cusack (Grosse Point Blank) and others while running into his ex, Williams-Paisley (Father of the Bride). Hallmark refers to this as part of their Hall of Fame series, and rightly so given the relative talent, but we suspect even the semi-star studded cast won't save this holiday turkey. Did we mention it was on a train...a "Christmas train?"

Cheese Rating: 7.5

Switched for Christmas

Notable Actor: Candace Cameron Bure
Notable Why? Another Full House alum, this time D.J.

In the roles of a lifetime, Bure plays identical twins who don't like each other—let us guess, one is sweet/silly and the other edgy/serious—and decide to switch lives for the holidays...and find love. Was SO hoping for a Freaky Friday "parent and child switch bodies...and find love" kinda thing, but alas.

Cheese Rating: 10.7

Christmas in Evergreen

Notable Actor: Holly Robinson-Peete
Notable Why? 21 Jump Street, you guys!

Something about a magic snow globe that grants wishes, but only if they are truly sincere, in a tiny Vermont town. A lot of shit is happening in little Vermont hamlets this winer, y'all. Serious question: What if someone sincerely wished for the end to all happiness? What would you do then, Hallmark?

Cheese Rating: 9.5

Christmas at Holly Lodge

Notable Actor: Sheryl Lee Ralph
Notable Why? Because she's amazing...what is she doing in this?

Another money-grubbing developer wants to destroy something precious and genuine, in this case a rustic but adorable lodge. We're willing to bet the city slicker finds love instead of cash. Plus, Oliver from Dawson's Creek!

Cheese Rating: 10

The Christmas Cottage

Notable Actor: Um...well...Taylor St. Pierre makes another appearance?
Notable Why? He's in two movies and still isn't a porn star (as far as we know).

We've been to lots of weddings, but we cannot recall a single one where a jaded bridesmaid found love with the brother of the bride. Drunken hookup? You bet your ass, but love, not so much. Yet, this appears to be a common theme in many a romantic comedy. In this version, said bridesmaid and brother of the bride get snowed in at a magic cottage that has the power to grant everlasting love to anyone...oh, come on, Hallmark!

Cheese Rating: 10.9

Sharing Christmas

Notable Actor: Cynthia Gibb
Notable Why? Fame, duh!

Greedy developer wants to flip building for profit, but wait! There's a cute Christmas shop and the adorable owner refuses to sell. She makes a deal with the now-hesitant developer that he work there for a week and, if he is unable to find the true meaning of Christmas, she'll hand over the keys. Christmas spirit ensues. Special appearance by jazz(ish) sax man Dave Koz at a not-date because the movie wasn't weird enough already.

Cheese Rating: 11

Christmas Next Door

Notable Actor: Jesse Metcalfe
Notable Why? Desperate Housewives gardener heartthrob.

Hunky douchebag who writes "bachelor lifestyle books" (ew) and hates Christmas decorations is given a lesson in holiday cheer (and perhaps romance?) by his neighbor, who is jolly as fuck. Will she be able to melt this confirmed bachelor's Scrooge-y heart or will she get her stocking stuffed with only a lump of coal?

Cheese Rating: 11

Christmas Connection

Notable Actor: Brooke Burns
Notable Why? Baywatch and Melrose Place...she's '90s-tastic!

Christmas (partially) on a plane! A little boy traveling alone schemes to pair his new flight attendant friend with his divorced dad. Turns out dad is so full of the holiday spirit, he's practically made of knitted sweater material. A cozy fire, shiny tinsel and a cheeky set of furry antlers save the day.

Cheese Rating: 10.5

Christmas Getaway

Notable Actor: Bridget Regan
Notable Why? Played the dastardly Rose on Jane the Virgin.

A recently-single travel writer wants to spend Christmas alone in a cabin, but a mixup finds her stuck there with a hot guy, his daughter and...wait for it...his mother-in-law? That must be a real WTF moment. Sadly, no trailer exists for this Festivus miracle. Our loss.

Cheese Rating: 11

When Calls the Heart: The Christmas Wishing Tree

Notable Actor: Lori Loughlin
Notable Why? Yet another Full House alum who also had starring roles in some terrible '80s teen movies.

Apparently, When Calls the Heart is a five-season long Hallmark TV series about a wealthy, big city teacher who moves to a small (natch) coal mining town (interesting twist), probably so she can learn a lesson in heartland American values. Wishing Tree is, in essence, their two-hour Christmas special. Oh, and the whole thing is a period piece directed by Michael Landon, Jr., the son of the father from Little House on the Prairie, God help us.

Cheese Rating: 11-plus

A Royal New Year's Eve

Notable Actor: Cheryl Ladd
Notable Why? For the kiddos, Ladd was one of the original four Charlie's Angels.

Just when you thought December 26 got you off the hook for all this nonsense, along comes a film about a woman who has never kissed anyone at midnight on New Year's Eve. IN FULL STEFON VOICE—This movie has everything: socialites, mixups, royalty, a photographer at a lifestyle magazine. Look, it's awful, but it could be worse. It could be Mario Batali in a "rape room" worse. So, count your blessings and Happy New Year!

Cheese Rating: Off the charts

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