Film and TV

Heartless: 5 Power Suggestions for the Captain Planet Film

The same people who made Transformers: Dark of the Moon are making a Captain Planet movie. You know, we were a big fan of Blue Planet, and in the episode that dealt with the bottom of the ocean, they filmed the complete breakdown of a whale carcass by lampreys and parasites until only the bare bones were left behind. Why do we bring this up? No reason. No reason at all.

But hey, maybe it won't be so bad. Sure, Captain Planet was goofy as all get out and looked basically like what Kirk Cameron would have looked like in Avatar, but it did have some pretty sweet villains and a positive message that wasn't entirely based around selling toys. The teen characters were pretty cool as well, and anyone who grew up reading Lord of the Rings can surely get behind the idea of owning a power ring.

You got your soft-spoken African leader. He's kind of boring, but hey, he's still the voice of reason and controls the power of earth. You've got your hot-headed American guy with fire powers, still good so far. The sex appeal of the group is nicely rounded out with a perky Chinese girl using water, and an honest-to-God Soviet fox and her wind abilities. Seriously, these guys just outclassed half of the Avengers, but then we run into a problem...

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner