Celebrities and their babies have become a bizarre infatuation in this country over the past decade. Why are the working uteruses of famous people so fascinating? Maybe we can't believe that the beautiful people go through the same horrors that we regular folk go through when it comes to childbirth. The mucus flying all over the place, the ripping and bleeding, are these things that even Heidi Klum has to contend with? For shame.
It's been noted that celebrity babies are not just cute and better dressed than you are, but they make these people a lot of moola. Actresses seem to come out of obscurity as soon as that infamous "baby bump" makes its elusive appearance. Some have turned their baby-making into a do-over career. Tori Spelling keeps popping them out and cable networks keep giving her reality spinoffs. Even fake stars have baby power. Entire television programs are created around the idea, "Oh my God, that woman had like five babies at once!"
Selling pictures of your baby has become the celebrity norm. According to Radar, even Jessica Simpson made roughly $800,000 selling exclusive pics of her newborn baby, and rumors have swirled for years about the $11 million paycheck Brad and Angelina took home for pictures of their twins.
Babies are a commodity to both the celebrity parent and the media promoting their cuteness. So it shouldn't be surprising to find hidden away in the depths of despair that is "below the fold" of People.com yet another attempt to capitalize on the chubby-cheeked cherubs. It is a world of B-list celebrities talking about their sweet tots, a.k.a. the "Celebrity Baby Blog."
The "celebrities" talking about poopy diapers and snot-sucking apparatuses are none other than Kimberly Van Der Beek, Eliabeth Röhm, Poppy Montgomery, Jennie Finch and Marla Sokoloff. Who? I don't know, and I pride myself on knowing a lot of pointless pop culture names. There goes my pride. And there went even more of it when I sat down and read each of these non-celebrities' posts, which I will relay for you now.
Kimberly Van Der Beek
Who? Dawson Creek's wife.
How Many Puppies Has She Popped Out? Two. Olivia (2) and Joshua (7 months)
What's Her Deal? Oh, the usual, chatting about the desire to have a natural vaginal birth and then realizing getting drugs was a better idea.
Best Quote: "Needless to say, I've had more comfortable car rides."
Who? You know! One of the Sister, Sister twins. I'm not sure which one.
When's She Ready to Burst? Yesterday (October 30), as a matter-of-fact. Keep your Twitter on; she could blow at any minute.
What's Her Deal? She's complaining about how long she's been pregnant, like nine months or something!
Best Quote: "If I am completely honest ... at this stage, I want this baby OUT!"
Who? I read her bio and I'm still not sure. I think she runs a business.
How Dumb Are Her Kids' Names? Rumi and Indi, so you decide.
What's Her Deal? Oh, the woman's never-ending lament over being an über-successful business woman and finding the time to be a mom, blah blah.
Best Quote: "To see how I could make life a little more child-friendly for my employees, I did some research and found out that the U.S. Department of Labor requires employers to provide a safe and private location and compensated breaks for employees to pump breast milk." (You own a business and you just found this out?) Poppy Montgomery
Who? She was on that show Without a Trace.
Is She British? No. She's Australian, but I can see why you would think that.
What's Her Deal? She's trying to figure out how to handle a terror tantrum without looking like a dick.
Best Quote: "And what was my friend, now soaked in pee with a bleeding face, ripped blouse and hysterical, over-stimulated child screaming and kicking everyone in sight supposed to do?"
Jenna von Oy
Who? Six from Blossom
Does She Still Have That Gap in Her Teeth? I would assume so, but couldn't tell from the picture.
What's Her Deal? Telling her baby to vote, which seems a premature thing to ask your baby to do. Maybe start with crawling or not putting dirt in its mouth.
Best Quote: "In discussing this issue, I'm reminded of September 11th, 2001." (Weren't we talking about parenting, Jenna von Oy?)
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Who? She is a retired softball player, duh.
How Many Sports Analogies Does She Use? She calls her family a team.
What's Her Deal? She's on baby three, and it's finally a girl. Now she has someone to play softball with because it would be really girly for her two sons to play that sport.
Best Quote: "Yes, I get to share my pink Mizuno equipment with her -- it is a fierce pink."