The adaptation of E.L. James's preposterous BDSM novel (that famously started life as Twilight fan fiction) drops into theaters like so many hastily doffed panties this Friday. Universal Pictures is hoping a not insignificant chunk of the 60 million people who bought the book will show up to see R-rated re-enactments of NC-17 smut.
I tried to read Fifty Shades of Grey, I really did, but it was hard to to continue when I realized that with every clumsily written paragraph, I was inching inexorably toward my death and the possibility I'd be on my death bed, lamenting -- Comic Book Guy-style -- that I'd wasted my life.
Although if I'm being honest, that'll probably happen anyway.
However, I have read some excerpts, and am aware of the controversy surrounding the presentation of Christian Grey as a romantic lead when he really belongs more in the "abusive piece of shit" category. In any event, it seems like Universal had a tough time both staying faithful to the events in the book as well as trying to get lead actors Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson to act like they don't loathe each other IRL.
But even though the movie comes out in three days, it's not too late to throw some water on this tire fire. To that end, here are some can't-miss* ideas to ensure 50SOG doesn't turn into this decade's Good Luck Chuck.
* These are all terrible.
240 Dollars' Worth of Pudding
Foodstuffs have played a significant role in other so-called "erotic" dramas (9 1/2 Weeks, Another 9 1/2 Weeks, Nekromantik), but they're usually of the small and therefore safe variety: cherries, strawberries, edible underpants. I think we can all agree there's nothing safe about $240 worth of pudding. Suffocation, hyperglycemia, unsightly stains, and it's just the tip of if the iceberg, considering how much pudding a wealthy fellow like Christian Grey could afford to buy.
$240 Worth of Pudding by lucaslucas1234
Sexy George Costanza
Fifty Shades of Grey (the book) is many things: a master class in atrocious dialogue, a sophomoric introduction to the world of BDSM, and a ham-fisted tale of sexual conquest. To that end, what could it possibly hurt to have the Timeless Art of Seduction on your side?
Adding sexually promiscuous donkeys to the mix usually only makes things worse (if my last visit to Mexico is any indication). Although now that I think about it, a coked-up quadruped would probably be a more sensitive lover than Mr. Grey.
Captain America's Ass
"Cap Ass" has taken on a life all its own, and if we're being honest, they should just play this scene on repeat behind every sex scene in Fifty Shades of Grey.
Alternately, just eliminate the sex scenes entirely. I mean, I'm a straight man and I have a hard time looking away.
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I'm frankly surprised the collective powers of the Internet haven't found a way to work Katy Perry's assistant Elasmobranch into Fifty Shades yet. At the very least, he/she would provide a welcome distraction from the uninspiring bondage sequences.