I am an Elton John fan, but I'm as sick of "Candle in the Wind" as I am of anything on Steve Miller's greatest hits album. Nothing personal, Lauren Alaina, but it was weak. When the hell is somebody going to rock out. Oh right, James hasn't sung yet.

The Judges: How cute, Steven is flirting with the underage girl. It's like 1975 all over again. I'm still not convinced she doesn't land in the bottom three tonight.

Speaking of James Durbin, how did we know he'd do "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting" (it was that or "Crocodile Rock")? The crowd certainly loves this goofy cross between Mark McGrath and a dog that tracks mud all over your house.

The Judges: "A great performance." We'll find out if his crack about a "Pepsi moment" causes the marketing department at sponsor Coca-Cola to call for this head.

I'll say this for Thia Megia's rendition of "Daniel," she actually sounded like she was going to cry. Maybe because she knows she's not long for the show.

The Judges: Steven must have taken extra happy pills this morning, he likes everybody.

Casey Abrams starts off tentative, I blame the beard trimming (maybe he'll get a chance to do Regina Spektor's "Samson" later).

The Judges: Surprisingly, all three judges pat themselves on the back for saving him last week. It wasn't his best, but not bad enough to get voted off. We'll see.

Jacob Lusk gets a visit from Mary J. Blige, so there's that. You can see him struggling to rein the histrionics in during "Sad Songs Say So Much," with...limited success. Still don't like the dude. Sorry.

The Judges: J Lo: "You don't see a note like that every day." What?

Haley Reinhart is last up, doing her best Fabulous Baker Boys impression during "Benny and the Jets" while reminding us why she's consistently in the cellar.

The Judges: Or maybe not. "Performance of the night?" Unlikely.

I'd tell you to stay tuned tonight for the results, but really, does it matter all that much at this point? And you're going to have to sit through Jamie Foxx and will.i.am before seeing who gets the boot. Still, if you're stuck with the choice between that and the "special music episode" of Grey's Anatomy, I'd recommend hitting yourself with a ball peen hammer until overtaken by merciful unconsciousness.

Oh, and my picks for the bottom three: Naima, Thia, and Haley. Vonder Haar out.