Dear Parents of Small Children,
We realize how cute you think these Elf on a Shelf things are. We get it. It's what, the zillionth year that you're going to spam our Facebook timelines with notifications about what your naughty little elf is using to torment your child with today? We've seen about every iteration of what your elf is capable of, and perhaps it's time to stop the madness.
It was funny the first time your elf squeezed out all of the toothpaste onto the sink, while high-diving off the back of a Barbie. We're sure your kid was totally freaked.
We giggled when that naughty elf found himself in a sugar coma from overdosing on the candy canes you conveniently left on the counter, and we worried about the health ramifications for the poor little guy.
We even stifled a for real laugh when you had him kidnap Skipper in her bikini. But seriously. We aren't laughing anymore.
You've killed the elf fun. We don't want to see your elf rappelling from the ceiling fan with a Polly Pocket. We don't care if your elf found the mini bottles of liquor and washed down your Vicodin with them.
And those weird doll threesomes? Yeah, we'd like to remind you this is a child's toy we're talking about, and that's weird and a little uncomfortable for us to process.
So if you continue to spam us with those freaking creepy elf photos on social media, we're going to have no choice but to fight back.
And just a warning? We play super dirty. So remember that before you upload that glitter-covered elf photo for the world to see.
Oh, and if you don't take heed, we'll have no choice to upload one of the following in retaliation, over and over again in a virtual side-eye to the elf epidemic. You've been warned.
Your adoring social media buddies
5. Elf on a Wrecking Ball Seriously, the only thing more overdone and played out than Miley Cyrus is whatever you're about to post from your Elf on a Shelf antics. If we combine the two -- your elf, our Miley -- well, it's pure annoying magic. Maybe once our elf on a wrecking ball flies past your Elf on a Shelf post on your Facebook timeline, you'll think twice about spamming us with tomorrow's antics.
4. Mayor Rob Ford Elf Listen, sometimes you have to pull out the big guns, and that's what Mayor Rob Ford Elf is for. He's a little bit naughty, a little bit nice, and he's what you'll be staring at if you keep spamming Facebook timelines with your elf's antics. He can one up your elf any time, any day.
Basically, he's Mayor Rob Ford Elf if you're nasty. Or if you put up any of your annoying Elf on a Shelf photos. Either or.
3. RiFF ELF Come on. No one wants to see RiFF RAFF as an elf.
Riff Elf raps really slowly, insists on sporting braids under his little hat, and constantly annoys Santa with the words "Versace Versace Versace Versace."
He also tries to check the naughty list with a mish-mash of text speak, random capital letters, and gibberish. He's a terrible, terrible elf.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Please don't make us use him as retaliation. Just put down the iPhone and walk away from the Facebook timeline, and nobody gets hurt.
2. Blurred Elf Listen, we're not even going to lie. This one just makes us laugh, and we might post it on your timeline even if you don't post your annoying elf photos. Robin Thicke as an elf is funny, dudes.
1. Lady Gaga's ARTELF Nobody wants to listen to Lady Gaga's ARTPOP album, much less witness it as a Gaga/Elf on a Shelf hybrid. There's something a bit disturbing about an elf on Gaga's album cover, even when you take into consideration just how avant-garde Lady Gaga tries to be.
So be nice and we won't spam your timeline with this little Gaga elf creation. And by "be nice," we mean stop posting your stupid elf photos, please.