Jack Chick's Anti-D&D Comic is Becoming a Movie! 5 More We Hope Get Made

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JR Ralls of Portland, OR won some money in the lottery. Not like a million dollars, but enough to where he felt like he had to do something significant with it to better humanity. To that end he bought the movie rights to famous evangelical comic strip producer Jack Chick's acclaimed 1984 "Dark Dungeons," which told the story of how young role-playing gamers were just casting twelve-sided dice on THEIR OWN DAMNATION! DUH DUH DUUUUUUUUH!

I love Jack Chick tracts, and maintain a complete collection. I even used to scan and doctor them to create Black Math Experiment flyers because they are that insane. They're vaguely racist, anti-science, scary as a naked clown with a bloody chainsaw, and lovingly drawn by a man who is honestly a comic genius... albeit the way Dr. Doom is a genius.

Ralls began a Kickstarter campaign to help make the movie a reality, and they are near their goal. That's a hint. Go give him your money. There is nothing in the world more awesome than seeing the madness of Chick come to cinematic life. If Ralls is screwing with Chick, it'll be epic. If he's not, it will be a thousand time more epic. The Satanism scare involving goth and gaming in the '80s and '90s remains one of the most hilarious time periods in pop culture ever, and it must be captured on film.

And if Ralls succeeds... there's plenty more where that came from.

Flashback Creationists Ruined My Ability to Enjoy Watching My Daughter Ride a Dinosaur

Uninvited:Jack Chick honestly believes two things. One, that being gay is not a choice... but only because being sexually molested is not a choice. Uncle Touchy and Father Nutfondle are responsible for pretty much all homosexuals who aren't just doing it because gay sex is so deliciously sinfully great, oh my God you guys. Second, that only gay people catch AIDS because that's totally how viruses work.

Below the surface of this, though, is a nurse who has been raped, and who has found strength after her experience through her faith. That's awesome, it really is, but I'd love to see how that played out in a movie. You have to admire Chick's skill here by using someone you universally feel for as his messenger of a messed up agenda. Yet her survival leads only to more misuse and misunderstood hate. That's straight up Ken Kesey right there.

The Death Cookie: As you may have picked up in the last entry, Jack Chick has nothing but contempt for Roman Catholics as well. He lays out a controlling scheme as transparent as anything in Dr. Strangelove, and tops it all off by reducing communion to getting a cookie from God. And thus is a global evil empire established... over a cookie. It's like a Patton Oswalt bit come to life. Rocks Off The Abortion Debate Part 2: Five Pro-Choice Songs

" target="_blank"> Satan Comes to Salem: Aside from the whole blaming things on the Catholics and Voodoo approach that Chick does, his take on the Salem witch trials is actually masterful. He reminds us that the people that died from the mass hysteria and blatant greed of the witch hunts were for the most part Christians wrongfully accused. Chick advocates forgiveness, not torture, and this is honestly a message that should be heard. Yes, Jack Chick is the voice of reason in the witch hunts. Marvel at how stupid that makes them.

Who Murdered Clarice?: Jack Chick does surprisingly few tracts on abortion, but "Clarice" is a doozy. Drawn as an epic judgment of anyone and everyone involved in the abortion industry, with nice asides that anyone who is so involved eventually kills himself or herself or sells baby ears on the black market for whatever purpose baby ears serve, it's got enough allusions to the bloodiest parts of the Bible to make for a really big story full of flashback, pyramids, and that scary faceless Auton God that Chick was so fond of. It's the sort of thing Sam Peckinpah would've made if he'd ever found religion.

Global Warming: That panel says it all... First, that women in science is "cute" apparently, and that faith in reproducible results is just another kind of faith. Certainly a lesser one. Ironically, Chick was doing so well before he hit this panel, showing that many of the direst predictions of scientists regarding climate change never came to pass. However, instead of making a case against fear-mongering, he just goes on to prove that the Christian apocalypse is way better, and still imminent.

In the hands of a truly gifted director, you could get a wonderfully futile film about the nature of prophecy and Armageddon showing that people don't care about the end of the world... they just care that it ends in their favorite manner. Man, where's Kubrick when you need him?

Jack Chick should have been among the 4 Most Ridiculous Groups Waging a War on Halloween, or maybe he would have fit in with the Westboro Baptist Church.

Jef With One F is a recovering rock star taking it one day at a time. You can read about his adventures in The Bible Spelled Backwards or connect with him on Facebook.

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