Kaptara Mocks GamerGate in Issue 3 and It’s Glorious

Kaptara is the new comic book series from Chip Zdarsky of Sex Criminals. It’s exactly as insane as anything you would expect from someone with that pedigree. The book follows Keith Kanga, a scientist who was part of a Mars exploration team but who ended up crashed alone on an alien world like a gay, black Flash Gordon. Unlike Gordon, though, Kanga has no desire to return to Earth, and instead readily adopts Endom as his home. Unfortunately the same portal that led him here is leading an invasion force back to us, and though he has no real interest in the cause he joins the force being sent to stop it so he can protect his love interest Manton.

It’s a planet full of weirdos and sex jokes. Birdwomen complain of Kanga’s fear-sweaty balls on their majestic backs when he rides them, everyone travels in cat tanks and one of the alien soldiers is an orb that constantly displays life-affirming messages for the benefit of moral. It’s wonderfully irreverent.

And in Issue 3 it takes GamerGate to freakin’ school.

To be fair, the tag is never uttered. Instead, the movement is represented by the Glomps, a group of male garbage trolls. The Glomps wear fedora-like wizards hats and speak in expletives so vile that even the pollen that alters people brains to understand all languages can’t translate them. 

Kanga and his crew are captured by the Glomps and held prisoner. The all-male grouping claims to have created a society out in the woods that offers, “Freedom from those that would censor glomptruths! Freedom from the %$#@s and the $#%@s and of course the %$#@*s who control the media.” Basically they’re out here so they can say terrible things without anyone telling them to shut up.

Apparently Glomps used to live in Endom proper, though they were “always shitty”. Eventually they started claiming they were oppressed by “glompandry” and were driven forth because of their rampant sexism and racism… also because they were eating people.

There is never a moment in Kaptara where the Glomps appear where at least one is not playing with his genitals. There was once apparently a Glompette but either she left or she was kicked out for being too emotional. Their leader also makes reference to being hollowed out and used as a puppet to spread liberal lies across the land, a reference to accusations of sock puppeteering in the movement.

The Glomps send Kanga and Manton to retrieve the head of a wizard that annoys them, an old man with shape-shifting powers named Melvon. They send Kanga and Manton rather than the capable female bounty hunter escorting Kanga because the job isn’t making sandwiches. Oh, and they’re hobby is drawing naked ladies to show each other. In unrelated news I encourage you not to type “Vivian James Rule 34” in Google Image Search.

Eventually Kanga and Manton return to the Glomps with a still-alive and very pissed off Melvon who Hulks out. Ironically Kanga is the one who saves them by giving the most perfect summation of GamerGate ever in the middle of Melvon’s rampage.

Look around you! These guys have almost no resources and probably n trade partners based on their attitude! Their hands are constantly in their pants, so I’m assuming they have genitals, which means they reproduce sexually. That’s clearly not happening. If you want revenge on these guys, just let them exist! They’ll continue to wipe themselves out. Slowly!

One can live in hope.

Kaptara #3 is available now.
KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner