If companies spending $4 million for 30 seconds of Super Bowl LXVII airtime seems grotesque to you, well, that's because it is. But the fact remains, the NFL's championship game is still viewed by some 100 million people across the nation. And in what may be shocking news to some, not everyone watching is paying attention to the action on the field. Seriously, how many people outside the Bay Area and Maryland respectively gave a frog's fat ass about the game? Aside from you degenerate gamblers, I mean.
Enter the advertisements, which -- as science proves -- are what most people are tuning in for. Never mind that just about every commercial aired during Baltimore's's victory over San Francisco was available online days before kickoff. Where's the fun in that? How would you be able to share your opinions about the relative merits of Coca-Cola's fizzy battery acid vs Pepsi's? Or, alternately, fall under the hypnotic spell of Kaley Cuoco's hips?
I had no interest in the outcome of the game. On one hand, San Francisco has plenty of championships already. On the other, Ray Lewis can take his incessant (and convenient) bleating about Jesus and bury it with his blood-stained suit. And with no bets on the game, I was free to devote my full attention to the night's slate of commercials. Blackout and all.
I broke the ads down into logical categories, ignoring any of the NFL's self-congratulatory BS or CBS's own promos.
"Bar Rafaeli Makes Out With Walter"- GoDaddy.com Why mess with a winning formula? GoDaddy is a terrible domain registrar, but nobody cares because TITS. As for this ad, I'll just say I'm glad I wasn't eating at the time.
"Asking Amy" - Best Buy Yes, Amy Poehler is hot. My only complaint is they didn't put her in any of those low-cut dresses she's been favoring at recent awards shows.
"Gay Kraftwerk Video" - Calvin Klein Like any of that "Concept" underwear would fit the average NFL fan.
"Kate Upton Washes The New Mercedes CLA" - Mercedes-Benz [Okay, I didn't actually see this air, but everybody said it was going to so it counts] *Ahem* Apparently Mercedes recouped the $4 mil it blew by shooting this in a parking lot outside Giddings. Oh, and one word kid: underwire.
Oz the Great and Powerful Those flying monkeys seem a little more ... extreme than I remember.
Fast & Furious 6 How you can show a preview to this and not have any Gina Carano ass-kickery? What is this, Iran?
Star Trek Into Darkness Shouldn't the Enterprise burn up on re-entry? DAMN YOU J.J. ABRAMS.
Iron Man 3 This will apparently just be two hours of Iron Man rescuing people falling out of airplanes. And you will go see it eight times.
Consuming Mass Quantities, Part 1
"Our Kind Of Beer" - Anheuser-Busch "Budweiser Black Crown: the beer for insufferable hipster assholes."
"Chocolate's Better With M" - M & Ms At $4 million, this was officially the most expensive sleep aid ever made.
"Let's Look At The World A Little Differently" - Coca-Cola The soda giant makes its argument for a kindler, gentler surveillance culture. Certainly if we continue to drink Coke we'll all be too obese and indolent to actually commit crimes.
"Cream vs Cookie" - Oreo Having been in a few library brawls myself, I can say was pretty accurate. Except the cops usually shoot first.
"Landslide" - Anheuser-Busch All you people talking on Facebook and Twitter about how this stupid Clydesdale ad made you cry just gave Steven Spielberg motivation to start production on "Beer Horse." Sleep well, America.
"Superstitious" - Bud Light The natural endpoint of the Bud Light "superstitions" campaign. Not sure Stevie Wonder measures up to Geoffrey Holder in the Baron Samedi role, however.
"Got Milk?" - Big Milk I don't dislike Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. And I like to believe he actually wears those pajama pants.
"Goat 4 Sale" - Doritos It's only implied, but I'm pretty sure the goat fucked that dude.
Consuming Mass Quantities, Part 2
Pepsi Next Party" - Pepsi Weak. Pepsi's ads haven't evolved significantly since the Britney Spears era.
"Princess Party" - Doritos I have daughters. So I can say with authority there is no shame in dressing up for a pretty, pretty tea party.
Coke Chase - Coca-Cola They're not even trying anymore, are they?
"Jared's 15th Anniversary" - Subway You trotted out paralyzed ex-Rutgers football player Eric LeGrand to congratulate *Jared* for controlling his appetite for 15 years? Fuck you, Subway.
"Viva Young" - Taco Bell Old people love pranking. And having sex in bathroom stalls. It is known.
"Hot Mess" - Jack in the Box I feel the retconning of Jack's early years has become somewhat untrustworthy.
"Anthem" - MiO Fit Only startup energy drink companies would use Tracy Morgan to shill their stuff.
"Crackin' Gagnam Style" - Wonderful Pistachios Where's Psy right about now? 14:57? 14:58? And how do we know? Because he's doing pistachio ads.
"No Diggity" - Beck's A fish singing to a bottle of beer only serves to distract us from the glaring question: what's with all the black bottles? What have you got to hide, beer companies?
Cars, Part 1
"Epic Playdate" - Hyundai Sorry, Hyundai. Not even the presence of the Lips will convince me to buy your shitty cars.
"Prom" - Audi Everything after mom pins the corsage on was a fantasy, right?
And do people actually go to the prom alone? I thought that was a John Hughes invention.
"Team" - Hyundai again Cute, and bonus points for use of Quiet Riot's "Metal Health."
"Car Genie" - Toyota Kaley Cuoco plays the Barbara Eden role in a decent spot that's miles funnier than any episode of Big Bang Theory ever made.
"Wolf Mother" - cars.com Man, whatever happened to those guys?
"Stuck" - Hyundai Maybe space your ads out a little further. That's three Hyundai spots in the first hour. Liked the dog slobber, though.
Cars, Part 2
"Get In. Get Happy." - Volkswagen Telling me something will make me talk like a Rastafarian isn't much of a selling point. But then, Germans are pretty dense.
"Phoenix" - Lincoln Fittingly, a commercial as boring as their cars.
"Hotbots/Space Bables" - Kia I had to look up the name of the cars advertised ("Forte" and "Sorento") because the only memorable thing about the commercial was the hot androids beating up a nerd. Oh, and space babies.
"The Farmer" - Dodge What did god say about agriculture subsidies, Paul Harvey?
"Soul" - Mercedes-Benz Willem Dafoe has now played both Satan and Jesus. And I am probably the millionth person to make that observation.
"Your Big Idea" - GoDaddy Registering your domain name is all it takes to strike it rich. And I ought to know, seeing how I'm the owner of "www.beerflavorednipples.com."
"Human vs. Cheetah" - Skechers That was some 1993-level CGI there. Kudos.
"Z10" - Blackberry It turns runaway tankers into rubber duckies? How will that help me beat people at Words With Friends?
"Save It" - E*Trade It's kind of creepy how that kid hasn't aged in, like, five years.
"Lifeguard" - AXE I dunno, that lifeguard punched the shit out of that shark. And is a skeevy fragrance company really someone you want to trust to shoot you into space?
"Getaway" - Gildan What the hell is Gildan? And are they really trying to convince us a guy would jeopardize a clean getaway by trying to get a t-shirt back?
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"Laundromat" - Speed Stick I know every laundromat I've ever frequented has been populated exclusively by scantily clad, attractive 20-somethings.
"The Next Big Thing" - Samsung In a just universe, Bob Odenkirk would be more famous than Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen put together.