Random Ephemera

No One Shot Bigfoot, But Here's 5 Texas Cryptids You Could (With Weapon Suggestions)

Did you hear about Rick Dyer, the man who supposedly shot a Big Foot in San Antonio and is offering the carcass as proof of the famous cryptozoological marvel? In fact, you'll be able to see it yourself as Dyer prepares to take the show on the road, offering you the chance to gander at a dead Gigantopithecus for a small fee soon at the Alamo Drafthouse as part of a Sasquatchploitation film festival. If that last bit makes you think that Dyer might be a charlatan asshat, then congratulations on your basic cognitive functions!

Dyer pulled this stunt previously in 2008 by saying he had stumbled across a Bigfoot corpse, and had it in his freezer. Upon thawing out, his creature turned out to be a rubber ape costume. We talked to author and cryptozoologist Ken Gerhard, our regular expert source of information on the subject, and he responded with:

"While I have investigated a few Bigfoot reports on the fringes of San Antonio, the area where Rick Dyer claims to have shot his specimen is within 2,000 feet of a Starbucks. That fact...along with his dubious participation in a Bigfoot hoax during 2008, should make things pretty obvious. It's just a matter of common sense. I mean, the odds of shooting a Bigfoot are probably akin to winning the lottery. So then, what are the odds that 'the boy that cried wolf' actually accomplished it? Besides, if someone actually had a body, it wouldn't be going down like this."

Still, maybe Dyer is your hero. Even people whose mothers drank when they were pregnant need heroes, I suppose. Do you want to charge off into the wilderness to cap some mythical beasts? Well, here's your handy-dandy field guide.

Many thanks to three friends who taught this hippie about guns for the purpose of this article.

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Jef Rouner is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner