No Seriously, Now the World is Ending

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When December 21 came and went and the world realized that the Mayan's were wrong (or rather we were all wrong about it), our efforts have been focused more on concrete issues like gun control, immigration and what the addition of Shakira and Usher mean for The Voice's ratings. You know, important stuff. It is nice that society has mostly gotten over its obsession with the end of days, except for one simple fact: That is exactly what they want us to do! Don't throw that non-electric can opener away just yet; the world is still coming to an end.

The signs are all there; the world is doomed.

First the pope calls it quits. Just like that, the holiest of holies (for some) shocks the world by giving his two-weeks notice. This is the first time a sitting pope has resigned from his post in almost 600 years. Previous popes' resignations were more acts of morality. One pope couldn't handle the pressure and ran away to become a martyr; another quit to unite a fractured church. These guys didn't jump ship to retire to Boca Raton like Benedict XVI.

What I am afraid of is what having two popes in one world could mean? Two living popes is like that season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when there were two slayers kicking butt at the same time. And we all know what happened to that; it was madness!

Just days after the pope's resignation, a bolt of lightening strikes St. Peter's church in the Vatican City. What! You have to admit that it is a pretty big coincidence for the holiest church to be struck at this particular time in its history. If that's not a bolt from the blue, then what is?

It doesn't end there. Late last week the University of New Hampshire found itself in the middle of a cricket storm. One of the resident dorms at the university was infested with crickets. A student on the scene described it as an "apocalypse of sorts." Preppy collegiates running amuck amongst a sea of singing bugs in their Abercrombie and Fitch polos. Can anyone say "10 plagues," because I can.

And then a fucking meteor hits Russia!

The meteor was the largest recorded to hit the Earth since 1908. NASA's director of planetary science, Jim Green, called this "very rare" and "historic." Yeah, thanks buddy for that scientific definition. And there's been various other "spottings" of celestial issues. A fireball was seen over San Francisco and then there's that asteroid still flying around the atmosphere.

What in the hell is going on? I will admit that a meteor doesn't necessarily tie into any biblical predications but the bible was written a really long time ago and maybe they didn't know about space and stuff then.

Let's get back to the bible and try and loosely tie the horsemeat scandal going on in the UK with plague numero five - Livestock Disease. According to the reports, there has been a high percentage of horsemeat found in hamburger meat and prepackaged foods. While there have been a negligible amount of issues found with this horsemeat, no madhorse disease, you have been unknowingly eating Black Stallion.

Let me add one more, recently I was walking my dog and she went to sniff at an odd looking pile of dirt. Upon closer examination, I realized that it was a dead frog that had been run over or perhaps stepped on. As we continued our walk I saw another dead frog, then another. My entire neighborhood was covered with dead frogs. "And the river shall bring forth frogs abundantly, which shall go up and come into thine house, and into thy bedchamber, and upon thy bed, and your dog will try to eat them when you walk her down the street and it will be totally nasty."

And in case you thought the world wasn't headed into a poop storm already, this past Thursday I realized that 30 Rock's series finale wasn't just a really funny Andy Kaufman-style joke to make everyone just think that it was ending. It is really over.

Are the end of days really upon us? If we are headed towards Judgment Day will the Doomsday Preppers know how to handle balls of fire and brimstone? Do they sell something for that at Staples? I don't think they do and they are supposed to have everything. It's all over.

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