Today is inventor and TV pitchman Ron Popeil's 76th birthday, and to honor his being able to stay fresh and tender for these past seven decades, we bring you ten of the best products to come from his Ronco house of kitchen and home appliance gadgets.
He must have a Life-O-Matic sitting around in his dressing room before he films each of his infomercials, because there are few people his age with the same vitality and sheer hucksterism he has going these days.
Since the 1950's when he joined his father Samuel's family business, Popeil has been the face of direct response marketing, baiting housewives with promises of knives that cut cans, pennies, nails, and steaks with butter-like ease. He even managed to sell you things you don't really need, like a portable fishing pole you could put in your pocket, or a can of fake hair you spray on your head to fill in bald spots.
He has done more to revolutionize the need for more counter space in kitchens across the world, with a new space-taker coming at least every few months promising to slice, process, and juice most everything you can imagine. Mmmm, crab juice.
Here are just ten of his most dazzling and innovative, breakthrough products, but if you stick around, we have a special offer just for our best customers. You won't want to pass up this limited time offer!
GLH Formula 9
Even when I was losing my hair, I never thought about spraying paint on my head to create the illusion of hair. That's what the wig was for.
How much space do you really need to save in your life to need a tiny, collapseable fishing pole. Are you going to Mars and need more room in the capsule?
Inventions like this ruled pretty hard when we were little, now we find it easier to just get our own segment on a local experimental news show.
Can you imagine getting a hand stuck in one of these? It would be so metal. Take a picture for a flyer for my concert next weekend, dude.
Screw you, Starbucks. I can now make awful coffee at my house in my underwear.
I'm a dude, and I even know how to sew buttons. All you have to do is go to the cleaners and start crying at the girl at the counter about having a gala you are late to and they will sew your button on for free.
Everything looks so good in this rotisserie, but we all know in reality that all you would end up cooking in it would be sausage and hot dogs at 3 a.m when you get home from the bar. Loser.
My dad has one of these that he still uses almost daily. It runs on batteries.
Six Star Knife Set
But wait! There's more! If you act now and click the next page you get not one, but two more Ronco clips!
Solid Flavor Injector
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How about you just don't smoke around your children, you dick.