People You Don't Need To Follow On Twitter (Because Everyone Retweets Them Anyway)

I have been in the Twitter biz since March 2008 (hangs head in shame), and for nearly five years I have seen trends come and go. Follow Fridays, Overheards, John Mayer, Charlie Sheen, the rise of porn stars tweeting their bare asses before bedtime, you know, fun stuff. Every update of the site made us Twitter hamsters readjust our brains to check our cheese.

These days, with millions upon millions of users and attention spans the length of a grain of rice....does Uncle Ben's rice have an account?...we are inundated with information, but maybe that's how we like it. Constant wormholes of info, videos, and pictures keep us from working....wait, Limp Bizkit just broke up?

There are plenty of Twitter celebs you don't need to follow since everyone else does. Like how my friends don't need to follow Dogs Doing Things because I will retweet them anyway. (But sometimes I need to sleep, and you should follow them anyway. Without them, life is just an endless chasm of banal reality and your existence is a dying fly on the windshield of an 18-wheeler.)

Miley Cyrus

Lately, the Twitter world is buzzing over Miley Cyrus and herclothing choices, as if a twentysomething millionaire who smokes salvia and whose father is Billy Ray Cyrus is supposed to be demure. From the reaction of folks over her new blonde hairdo, you would have thought she tweeted a picture of an abortion. There is no reason to follow Cyrus anymore, since every gossip blog will be writing 500 words over every other tweet.

Rupert Murdoch

Your conservative friends will retweet him with solidarity and relish (mmmm), and your lib buddies will respond to him with righteous anger and "fuckin' rich bastard." It's going to be a long, long, long election season. And while we're here.

Paul Ryan Gosling

I don't like the real Paul Ryan as it is -- though I love Ryan Gosling -- but this account is just weeks away from becoming another boring fake account tweeting links to someone's campaign site. The "Hey Girl" line is sooooo 2011. The least the people behind the account could do is morph Ryan and Gosling's faces into one for the avatar. I know girls who hate his robot politics but would bed him in a hot second. Too bad Ron Paul doesn't update his account enough. The pouting during this election season would be delicious.

Conan O'Brien

No offense to the ginger comic god Cone Bone, but he's sitting at 6,362,267 followers and counting, which means at least a dozen of your friends will retweet him, even the boring stuff, because hey Conan O'Brien is tweeting. This ain't 2010, though. (snaps fingers and nods head)

Kanye West

All your white friends that "love hip-hop" retweet every Kanye missive like it's from the mouth of God himself. He doesn't interact with fans, and he tweets like a 14-year-old girl. He only follows his girlfriend, "perfect bitch" Kim Kardashian...

Kim Kardashian

...who is another person that you don't need to follow on Twitter, even sarcastically, since everyone on your timeline will reply to her with piss and vitriol. Although our friend, Twitter royalty Jenny Johnson, is the only one who can do it with style and effortless fucking grace.

Will Ferrell

Really a garbage account, and a fake one at that, this feed is filled with castoff Dane Cook one-liners, the kinds of thing douchebags practice in front of the mirror in the bathroom before going out at night. And seriously, why besmirch the name of such a wonderful comedic actor and mind as Will Ferrell? What makes this account even more annoying is that you can imagine Ferrell saying these things.

Not Gary Busey

There was a time when this fake Busey account was hilarious and profane, spewing the kind of stuff you would kick your grandmother in the face to think of yourself. But now every other tweet is a disguised ad, and friends who are late to the party retweet them, furthering the sickness.

Jose Canseco

I stopped following Mr. Canseco, not because his tweets can be batshit ("Time travel can exist") and delusional ("My life sucks but it's better than yours") but because I was sick of hearing that he "completed" me. The Lord Jesus Christ completes me sir, and not an aged baseball player reaching for straws. You can only read so much about a guy needing a second chance when he doesn't really deserve one.

Britney Spears

I get it, it's like if the head cheerleader from your suburban high school was now a housebound mother of two and had almost 20 million followers, ya'll. Also, we already know she's like Nell if Nell dated Justin Timberlake. You don't need to follow Brit for dumb stuff, since all your friends will call attention to it anyway. Follow Neil deGrasse Tyson instead for some real mind-blowing stuff. And yes Brit, we also cried when Mufasa died in The Lion King.

Perez Hilton

Remember old mid-'00s Perez Hilton, the angry fat guy at Starbucks who drew dicks and cum on people's faces? Whatever happened to that stuff? It was sort of endearing. Now the newly fit gossip monger's Twitter account is mostly self-congratulating swill, and....oh that's all of our Twitter accounts. Carry on, P.

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