Political Pornfest: From Thomas Jefferson to Nude Obama on a Unicorn

I'm not breaking any new ground here, but presidential politics have gotten more ridiculous than marketing StairMasters to Daleks. Everyone seems to have gone completely cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, and nowhere is that more apparent than in the fact that presidential candidates have apparently become prime subjects for pornography.

This actually isn't new. You can find examples of this sort of thing going all the way back to Thomas Jefferson, who was dealing with accusations of fathering children with Sally Hemings, his slave and half-sister to his wife. There were a fair few ribald poems published dealing with the subject. One came from the pen of a future president himself, John Quincy Adams. It opens with...

Dear Thomas, deem it no disgrace

With slaves to mend thy breed

Nor let the wench's smutty face

Deter you from the deed

That's actually one of the tamer ones, but it's got a lot of cachet since it comes from not only a fellow president but the man who defended the crew of the Amistad in court. It appeared in Joseph Dennie's anti-Jefferson periodical The Port Folio in 1802, along with more lurid texts from Dennie himself like...

When press'd by loads of state affairs,

I seek to sport and dally,

The sweetest solace of my cares

Is in the lap of Sally

So there's a history of eroticizing the figure of the chief executive, and God knows there have been sex scandals in a great number of administrations, but things really changed in the 2008 election. That was when Hustler put out a full-on pornographic parody of the life of then vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Lisa Ann starred as Serra Paylin', an Alaskan governor who opens the film in a threesome with a pair of Russians that have hiked to her house, and eventually ends up in bed with Hilary Clinton and Condoleezza Rice in the least likely orgy ever.

Though it's just another porn film with a juvenile script and an inflated sense of its own importance, it was still very unique to be living in a country where I could watch a woman debate her opponent for the second-highest office in America, and when finished watch another women mimic her voice and mannerisms with eerie accuracy while engaged in acts of hardcore penetration. Clearly, the bar had been raised.

This year, though, we don't have Palin. We have President Obama and Mitt Romney, and the pornography surrounding them both has taken a pretty frightening and bizarre turn.

For only a dollar or so on Amazon, feel free to pick up the latest in literary erotica, Dressage: A Mitt Romney/Paul Ryan Presidential Slash-fic by Bailey Marie. Marie does plenty of smut...novellas of women using sex to get out of legal trouble, schoolgirl episodes, things like that, but here she attempts both political satire and über-weird boy-on-boy stuff. A choice quote...

"Paul?" Mitt asked, curiously. 'Is that you?'

A meaty neigh came out of the man before him, stark naked and on all fours. He wore a mohawk of a wig, a $20,000 polished leather saddle over his back, and a plug stuffed into his backside that gave him a beautiful arching tail. He reared up onto his hind legs, revealing the horse-like manhood on his underside.

Rule 34 states that if it exists, there is porn on the Internet of it, so no subject matter is too out there, but that is still miles beyond a professional porn actress doing an impression, and light-years away from Adams's little limerick. Still, you can't be too surprised. After all, this is a world where you can read about Elrond getting it on with Captain Picard if you're so inclined, and the number of people that have Googled "Paul Ryan shirtless" prove that he at least has a sexually charged audience.

Plus, they've formed a community! There's a full-on Romney/Ryan slash-fic Tumblr now, but don't think that a sudden fixation on horseplay and Ryan's abs means that people have forgotten to immortalize the sitting president in the creepiest way possible.

Artist Dan Lacey has decided that the best way to fantasize about Obama is by painting a series of portraits that show him nude riding a unicorn. Often with rainbows because if you're going to have unicorns, you might as well have rainbows. The unusual series isn't overtly sexual; you never see any genitalia, for instance, but there is something very nonconsensual about watching the unicorn spread suntan lotion across the bare butt of the man who controls our nuclear missiles.

What must it be like to run for or to execute the office of the president here in the age of 4chan? Sure, before, a candidate could have his private life dragged through the mud. Jackson, Kennedy, Cleveland, Buchanan and a whole lot more dealt with charges ranging from adultery to bastard children to homosexuality. But I'm willing to bet Teddy Roosevelt never thought he'd end up in a comic watching Amelia Earhart get down on Sacagawea. These days, though? That's what happens.

Like it or not, the leaders of our nation, both current and potential, are no more immune to Rule 34 than Gwen Stacy, the Bubble Guppies, Final Fantasy characters or even Jesus. Maybe Romney's wish to crack down on hardcore pornography on the Internet isn't a moral stance but merely a desire to not run across himself shouting, "Screw me like we'll screw the poor."

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