Pop Rocks

Pop Rocks: A 'Do Deferred - No Trump In 2012

With apologies to Richard Adams: my heart has joined the Thousand. Donald Trump stopped running today:

"After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the presidency," Trump announced in a statement Monday. But he added: "I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and, ultimately, the general election."

This is sobering news, or would be if I hadn't been drinking all night. But seriously, where does a Trump-less GOP ticket in 2012 leave us? There will be no The Donald-inspired flash mobs ("Trump clumps?"), no patented combover novelty wigs passed out at Trump rallies, no unauthorized versions of a Digital Underground song for the original artist to get incensed and demand a cease and desist order ("The Trumpty Dance").

More importantly, there's now a serious asshole shortage on the 2012 Republican ticket.

The news has much more serious ramifications than Mike Huckabee's identical decision, never mind what the "lamestream media" seems to think:

Huckabee's decision to forgo the race is likely to have a far greater impact on the field, considering that he was a serious contender four years ago and won the first-in-the-nation caucuses in Iowa.

"Far greater impact on the non-asshole field," they should have said. You may disagree with just about every one of the man's political stances, but he still seemed like a pretty agreeable fellow. However, Huckabee's backing out of the election would seem to have allowed for a serious increase in the ratio of assholes to non-assholes.

That was before Trump decided not to run. Now the Republican field (those who have declared, that is) is looking pretty thin, asshole-wise.

Watching the Republican debate that took place a couple weeks ago (okay, like everybody else I just grabbed the highlights off YouTube), only a few potential assholes emerged. Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum would be top of that list, except he hasn't officially declared his candidacy yet.

Of the remaining GOP candidates, it's hard to tell who has serious asshole potential. John Davis? Former NM governor Gary E. Johnson? The Naked Cowboy? I'm sure there's some dirt to be had somewhere, but for now they just seem...bland. Ron Paul may be a serial Constitutionalist whose resistance to any new spending borders on pathology, but he seems an affable enough fellow.

And what of the other undeclared hopefuls? Will our next asshole be a Mormon with a history of reversing policy positions (Mitt Romney)? Is Tim Pawlenty too boring to be one? And in the ongoing question of whether or not a woman can be an asshole, I maintain there's no better test subject than Sarah Palin.

But it's all academic at this point. Hell, I even considered other celebrities whose potential hats in the ring might throw a few curveballs to at GOP leadership. But who could you find in the notoriously pinko confines of the entertainment industry to challenge for the Republican nod? Charlie Sheen? His Q rating makes him tempting, but then there's the whole 9-11 truther thing and his propensity for beating up on women. Chuck Norris? An interesting choice, but we'd run the risk of him losing his cool and roundhouse kicking the head of the Chinese trade delegation's head off.

And then it struck me: Trump may have bowed out of the Presidential race, but he never said anything about not accepting a nomination as Vice President. And of the remaining candidates, there's only one who regularly practices doublespeak against even his own GOP brethren. and who helped lead the witch hunt against Bill Clinton while he himself was cheating on his [second] wife.

Newt Gingrich.

Gingrich is a hard asshole to beat, but Trump wouldn't have to. Together, their combined despicable natures would make them a sheer force of sphincterian power not even Operation Rescue founder Randall Terry (now running against President Obama as a Democrat and the best contender for that party's asshole crown) could approach.

Gingrich/Trump 2012: The right choice for the end times.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar