The first week of the 2012 NFL season is now under our ever expanding belts, capping off what has been a very interesting offseason: longtime Colts QB Peyton Manning went to Denver, while two rookie QBs (Baylor's Robert Griffin III and Stanford's Andrew Luck) were prepared to make their presences known. Troubled wide receiver Brandon Marshall landed in Chicago, while the hometown Texans contended with both the loss of several key players and heightened expectations following last season's playoff run.

Of course, there are those of you who care not one whit for the National Football League. Certain writers on this very blog (*cough* Uticone *cough*) proudly Tweeted their disinterest yesterday while others of us were doing the Lord's work, drinking beer and sponging off a friend's Texans season tickets.

It doesn't have to be this way, people. Even in the rarefied film/TV critics pantheon in which I travel, there are football (and sports in general) fans a-plenty. But because I realize it can be difficult to choose your pigskin-related allegiances wisely with no prior knowledge, I am providing a handy guide to all 32 NFL teams and the TV/movie/comic book character(s) which most closely parallel the team and/or its fans. I make no claims of objectivity, and neither have I made any attempt to repress personal bias. Go Bears.