Pop Rocks

Pop Rocks: Before Giving Bristol Palin A Reality Show, Please Consider These Equally Fascinating Inanimate Objects

It's tough to get a reality show.

As you know, TV networks are always looking out for our best interests. And to this point they've been diligent about only distributing these precious program slots to those individuals and groups most likely to make society a better place. I'm talking about the people who drive trucks on ice, the midget bridegrooms, and parents who bravely force their children into beauty pageants.

And today we can add Bristol Palin to that distinguished and exclusive list:

The country's best known teen mom is getting her own reality show: Having boosted the ratings of ABC's Dancing With the Stars into the stratosphere last year, Bristol Palin (who's now actually 20) has made a deal with cable network Bio for a 10 episode series. [...] In the as-yet-untitled series, Palin will move from the 49th state to Los Angeles and bunk with her Dancing castmate Kyle Massey and his brother Chris, plus spend time working at a charity.

Yeah. Look, as a father, I know it's nice to have strong role models my kids can look up to. Which is why, given the choice between a hypocrite who preaches abstinence education after getting knocked up as a teenager and a bunch of imaginary objects, I'm going with the objects every time.

Now I had to narrow it down to those which adhered to certain strict criteria: they had to offer the greatest potential to impress my kids with quality life lessons, they had to be emblematic of cutting edge millennial thinking, and they had to be things my wife and I could remember from TV.

5. Inanimate Carbon Rod From: The Simpsons - "Deep Space Homer"

A timely choice: not only does ICR have firsthand knowledge of our troubled space program, but it could also provide valuable information about the threat to Earth presented by space ants.

More difficult would be engineering situations where the rod could be put to use on a weekly basis. Perhaps it could be wedged under the door to prevent entrance by the annoying next door neighbor, or used to prop open a bedroom window to allow that same neighbor to ogle ICR's sexy roommate, Suzanne Somers.

4. Radar's Teddy Bear From: M*A*S*H

What could be more poignant than the recollections of a bear who survived three years of the Korean War (which really felt like 11 years, now that I think about it), posted only a few miles from the front?

And better poignant than haunted by the harrowing memories of sharing a cot for an entire war with a hormonal man-child possessing eerie psychic powers. Although I bet that would play well on the SyFy Channel.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar