Pop Rocks

Pop Rocks: Breaking Down The New Breaking Dawn Trailer With - Yes - Animated .GIFS

They released the most recent teaser for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 earlier this week, and one thing you can sure say about it; it's a brief encapsulation of the upcoming film. Hell, it's more than that. If I wasn't going to be forced to see this in November anyway, I could probably cobble together a review out of just this minute and 11 seconds, as the only thing left to the imagination is the very ending. Oh man, I hope nothing happens to that adorable little human-vampire hybrid abomination.

There's some new information here, though. We see Bella getting her undeath on, and Edward doing his best basketball recruiter thing in attempting to enlist the other vapire clans to their cause. And then there are the Volturi, which sound enough like "Chitauri" I found myself spending half the trailer wishing the Hulk would show up and, you know, smash.

Did you come here for academic write-up of a movie clip shorter than an Enzyte commercial? No? Well, that's good. Because we don't need lots of fancy verbiage about "male enhancement" and "adverse reactions." My analysis is much more...concise.

Might as well get started. Here's the trailer:

Pretty straightforward, yes? Let's do this.

0:15 - Apparently Bella was "born to be a vampire." That explains her new, sexy personality.

0:25 - "I have to report...a crime." Well no problem, ma'am. We'll look right into that.

0:40 - "Maintaining our secret has never been more imperative" I'm sorry, does no one else think that guy looks more like '80s era Dave Vanian than some kind of undead overlord?

0:45 - "The Volturi. They're coming for us." Clearly this is news deserving of the most sober and serious reaction.

0:50 - Edward convinces the other clans to stand against the Volturi. But there's one notable vampire absent. That's right: Blacula. And possibly Black Dracula.

1:08 "I'll never let anybody hurt you." Hey, Casey Anthony: what do you think of that heartfelt pledge to protect your child at all costs?

1:12 - You guys know it's a bad idea to run on the snow and ice, right?

I guess being immortal means you don't have to adapt your military tactics. I thought running straight at each other went out of fashion around the Battle of Falkirk.

Anyway, there it is. I don't about you, but watching that makes me feel...cleansed, somehow:

And that's that, I guess. Finally, after four years and five movies, billions of dollars of box office and countless scathing reviews by frustrated novelists, our long national nightmare is over.

Of course, you know they're talking about rebooting the entire franchise, right?

shock-Kramer Pictures, Images and Photos

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar