Pop Rocks

Pop Rocks: Cinema Bin Laden

On the Geologic Internet Time Scale, the news of Osama bin Laden's death took place almost a century ago. We're already fondly recalling our whereabouts when we heard the fateful news (drinking beer and watching The Killing...NEVAR FORGET) and reliving the trauma of a thousand Facebook comment wars.

But none of that really matters now, because Hollywood appears ready to legitimize this momentous historical event by finally making a movie out of it:

According to a report from Deadline.com, a pair of projects planned around the story of the mission to kill bin Laden have now soared to the top of Hollywood's timeliest films list...

Oscar-winning director Kathryn Bigelow had already been preparing for a film with the working title "Kill bin Laden," Deadline reported. Bigelow and her partner Mark Boal reportedly planned the project as a follow-up to the critically-acclaimed Best Picture Academy Award-winning "Hurt Locker."

[...]A second project, which was greenlighted in 2006, was also in the works with Paramount Pictures. The film adaptation of the book "Jawbreaker" was to focus on the December 2001 American-led mission to kill bin Laden in Tora Bora.

Several script options have been attempted or discussed, including one by Oliver Stone as a follow-up to his film World Trade Center and a re-adaptation of Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan character from the books The Hunt for Red October and Patriot Games, both of which stalled, Deadline reported.

Nicolas Cage hunting through the tribal hinterlands? Mr. Clark conducting daring commando raids on Pakistani soil? Surely this daring and courageous story deserves better than that. For example:

Weekend at Osama's Starring: Andrew McCarthy, Jonathan Silverman, Mr. T The Pitch: Surprise! bin Laden's been dead for almost ten years, but the Taliban and al Qaeda can't really let everybody know that, so it's up to our old friends Larry and Richard to convince the rest of the world that the terrorist mastermind is still alive. Hijinks ensue as the pair attempt to stay one step ahead of those pesky Navy SEALs and maintain the illusion that bin Laden didn't die of kidney disease. All while trying to make time with bin Laden's sexy wives.

At least my version has a happier ending for any women in the compound than what really happened.

Sharktopus 2: The Pakistan Gambit Starring: Eric Roberts, Julie Strain, Corey Feldman, Sir Ben Kingsley The Pitch: Not to take anything away from the soldiers who stormed that compound and defeated the terrorist mastermind...but a giant shark-octopus hybrid pulling bin Laden's limbs off and feasting on his carcass just makes for better cinema.

Or basic cable. Maybe a SyFy-Asylum team-up with cameos by Tiffany, Debbie Gibson and Martika.

The Fast and the Furious (Team) Six Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Ludacris, Dale Earnhardt Jr. The Pitch: Pitch? Fast Five opened with $86 million last weekend. That's your pitch. You want more? Fine: Dom Toretto and Brian O'Conner drive cars. Really fast. In the process, they run over Osama bin Laden and make America safe for driving cars really fast.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar