Pop Rocks

Pop Rocks: Elton John Calls Madonna the C-Word. Now Bigger News Than the Mars Probe

The bitch is back:

In the interview, which aired on Australia's Channel 7 program Sunday Night, Elton said of Madonna, "Why is she such a nightmare? Her career is over, I can tell you that. Her tour has been a disaster and it couldn't happen to a bigger c--t."

He added, "If Madonna had any common sense, she would have made a record like "Ray of Light," stayed away from the dance stuff, and just been a great pop singer and made great pop records, which she does brilliantly. But no, she had to prove that she was like..." There, Elton trailed off, but then continued, "And she looks like a f---ing fairground stripper." He also complained, "She's been so horrible to Gaga" -- referring to Lady Gaga, who's godmother to Elton's son Zachary.

Why did he call her a "cart?" And I don't know what kind of pikey fairs you're going to, buddy, but on this side of the pond, you won't find anybody taking their clothes off at one of our nation's fine outdoor festivals.

Unless it's StripperFest, held every April outside Reno.

I guess Sir Elton is still chafing at ranking below Her Madgeness on the list of Billboard's All-Time Artists. Dude, you beat Elvis, Stevie Wonder and both Jacksons (Michael and Janet). Enjoy yo'self. John does edge Madonna out with most weeks at #1 on the chart, with 34 for "Candle in the Wind 1977" to Madonna's 32 for..."Take a Bow?" What the hell kind of list is this?

As for her tour being a disaster, Live Nation's Arthur Fogel claims the MDNA tour is on track to be among the top 10 "of all time," and why would he lie? They've only been bankrolling her since 2007.

For whatever reason, Elton likes to pile on Madonna. He accused her of lip syncing back in 2004, and his husband David Furnish made some comments after she beat John for Best Original Song at the Golden Globes (because if there ever was an award based on artistic merit, it's the Golden Globe). John also apparently takes issue with Madonna's comments about the *cough* similarities between "Express Yourself" and Lady Gaga's "Born This Way," which absolutely no one else in the world anywhere ever noticed.

Is there an objective way to settle this? I mean, I hate it when Grandma and Grandpa fight (though to be fair, Madonna isn't saying much...yet). What are the possible measures we can use to decide who's in the right?

Best Album? Madonna's is probably Like A Prayer or True Blue. Elton John has released 33 to her 12, and while Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road is usually regarded as the favorite, I might go with Tumbleweed Connection or Madman Across the Water. Advantage: EJ.

Best Hair? Sir Elton has some of the worst rugs in the history of mankind. I mean, if Madonna's a fairground stripper, he's a living Morrie's Wigs commercial. Even though the brunette-lover in me misses her LaP-era brown locks, this one is Advantage: Madge.

Best Movie? Madonna's film career remains one of history's cruelest jokes, though she's secured some respect as a supporting player (A League of Their Own, Dick Tracy), and Evita wasn't bad. Elton gets mad props for playing the Pinball Wizard in Ken Russell's adaptation of Tommy. And he appears in one of our guiltiest pleasures, Spice World. Advantage: push.

Best Song? I'm a crank, in that I'm not a fan of anything either of them has released recently, meaning post-1998 ("Ray of Light") for Madonna, and post-1992 ("The Last Song"; before that you'd probably have to go back to 1974 and "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me"). For sheer tonnage of good songs, however, I have to stick with the former Reginald Dwight. Advantage: EJ.

So there you go. He may look like a crabby Doctor Octopus, and he may have a history of being an annoying bitch, but you gotta respect The Reg.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar