Pop Rocks

Pop Rocks: Five Stunts We'd Like to See David Blaine Perform (and Possibly Die Trying)

To paraphrase Diamond David Lee Roth, we heard you missed David Blaine, he's back:

Daredevil magician David Blaine says he'll risk getting electrocuted next month when he takes on a 1 million-volt charge for 72 hours.

The 39-year-old celebrity illusionist said Monday that he's been training to endure three days and nights of the potentially deadly electrical current.

Beginning Oct. 5, fans can watch for free as the modern-day Houdini gets lit up on Pier 54 near the Meatpacking District in a stunt he's calling "Electrified: One Million Volts Always On."

Yawn. The problem with Blaine's shtick is how it doesn't really involve, I dunno, danger. Oh, did he suspend himself for 44 days over London without eating? Bobby Sands would like his bit back. What's that? He submerged himself for seven days and nights at the Lincoln Center? Maybe next he could try swimming somewhere, like Diana Nyad.

Blaine's electroshock gimmick will get a lot of coverage and supply obnoxious "entertainment reporters" with grist for their rapidly decaying journalistic mills, but if he ever wants to get taken seriously, he'll take some friendly future career advice.

I mean, eating from a tube is a drag and all, but it pales in comparison to the terrifying contests I've devised. For example:

Take A Sack From J.J. Watt

Not quite strapping yourself to a gyroscope, I know. Still, if Blaine values charity as much as he says, he'll stage similar events with all 32 teams. Hell, I'd pay $1,000 myself just to see Brian Urlacher take a free shot.

Show The Mohammad Movie. In Islamabad

Blaine was pelted with eggs and golf balls and taunted with food during his London stunt, which doesn't even sound harsh on its own. And compared to how he'd be treated by militants for blaspheming the Prophet, well, let's just say I hope he kept his feeding tubes.

Make Fiona Apple's Hash Vanish

Blaine's an illusionist, right? The least he could've done for his former girlfriend is "disappear" her drugs while she was driving through Hudspeth County.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar