To paraphrase Diamond David Lee Roth, we heard you missed David Blaine, he's back:
Daredevil magician David Blaine says he'll risk getting electrocuted next month when he takes on a 1 million-volt charge for 72 hours.
The 39-year-old celebrity illusionist said Monday that he's been training to endure three days and nights of the potentially deadly electrical current.
Beginning Oct. 5, fans can watch for free as the modern-day Houdini gets lit up on Pier 54 near the Meatpacking District in a stunt he's calling "Electrified: One Million Volts Always On."
Yawn. The problem with Blaine's shtick is how it doesn't really involve, I dunno, danger. Oh, did he suspend himself for 44 days over London without eating? Bobby Sands would like his bit back. What's that? He submerged himself for seven days and nights at the Lincoln Center? Maybe next he could try swimming somewhere, like Diana Nyad.
Blaine's electroshock gimmick will get a lot of coverage and supply obnoxious "entertainment reporters" with grist for their rapidly decaying journalistic mills, but if he ever wants to get taken seriously, he'll take some friendly future career advice.
I mean, eating from a tube is a drag and all, but it pales in comparison to the terrifying contests I've devised. For example:
Take A Sack From J.J. Watt
Not quite strapping yourself to a gyroscope, I know. Still, if Blaine values charity as much as he says, he'll stage similar events with all 32 teams. Hell, I'd pay $1,000 myself just to see Brian Urlacher take a free shot.
Show The Mohammad Movie. In Islamabad
Blaine was pelted with eggs and golf balls and taunted with food during his London stunt, which doesn't even sound harsh on its own. And compared to how he'd be treated by militants for blaspheming the Prophet, well, let's just say I hope he kept his feeding tubes.
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Make Fiona Apple's Hash Vanish
Blaine's an illusionist, right? The least he could've done for his former girlfriend is "disappear" her drugs while she was driving through Hudspeth County.
Spend The Day With Honey Boo Boo's Family
Even Blaine's notorious training regimen would wilt when subjected to an onslaught of 24 hours of Mountain Dew and auction Chips Ahoy cookies (related stunt: place Blaine in hermetically sealed chamber into which 24 hours worth of Johnson family flatulence is then pumped).
Steel Cage Magician Death Match
This is it: a battle for sorcerous supremacy between Blaine, David Copperfield, Criss Angel, and Lance Burton. I predict it comes down to Blaine vs. Angel, and then an incognito Doug Henning shows up in a luchador mask and pummels the shit out of both of them. Everybody wins.