Pop Rocks

Pop Rocks: Guys, the Biggest Movie of 2012 Hasn't Been Released Yet

If The Avengers' $200 million opening weekend proves anything, it's that piracy isn't having any effect on the movie industry.

Ha ha. But seriously, what it's shown us is 2012 will likely be one of the biggest -- if not *the* biggest -- years in Hollywood box-office history. From The Hunger Games to The Avengers to The Dark Knight Rises to Amazing Spider-Man...Brave, Prometheus, etc., etc. The list of anticipated movies is almost unprecedented.

And none more so, in this humble writer's opinion, than Piranha 3DD.

Does the sequel to 2010's 3D magnum opus have a chance to unseat Citizen Kane atop Sight & Sound's list of the greatest movies of all time? Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I mean, there's little doubt this modern masterpiece will be lauded with all manner of awards, and certainly well-deserved. But perhaps the finest movie of all time?

Meh. It's possible.

Let's take a look at the cast. The producers have wisely discarded such nobodies as Richard Dreyfuss and Elisabeth Shue, opting instead to keep the more classical thespians like Ving "Cobra Bubbles" Rhames and Gary "Mr. Joshua" Busey. Are you going to be the one to tell Marcellus Wallace and Elvis their movie doesn't measure up to that goofy flick with the big green monster and the dork in the winged helmet? I didn't think so.

Aside from that, you have Christopher "Doc Brown" Lloyd reprising his role as Mr. Goodman. Is this the year the former Jim Ignatowski finally seizes Oscar gold? Signs point to "Hell, Yes."

A formidable collection of folks with anger issues, to be sure. And then there's this guy.

If any actor could cement a film's legitimacy, it's Hasselhoff.

And to top it all off, the action is set in that most venerable of film settings: the water park. Piranha 3DD joins such classics of Western cinema as Donnie Brasco and Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure in capturing the somber magnificence of log flumes, lazy rivers and the swim-up bar.

And then there are more...intangible reasons.

I sense some of you are skeptical, and that's fine. Time has a way of validating the works of true visionaries who may have been unappreciated in their own time (painter Vincent van Gogh, inventor Nikola Tesla, wide receiver Andre Reed). Even if the honors aren't forthcoming at year's end, I'm confident future film scholars will rightfully place Piranha 3DD in the pantheon of Greatest of All Time, long after Avatar 4 has shattered the box office records set by The Avengers, Avatar 2 and Avatar 3.

Or at least until I get a vote in the Sight & Sound poll.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar