It's fitting that on the eve of the boffo 3D re-release of Titanic, a film tied with two others for most Oscar wins by a single movie, Adam Sandler's latest parvum opus -- Jack and Jill -- swept all ten categories at last Sunday's Razzies.
Sandler himself "won" for both Worst Actor and Worst Actress, Al Pacino (playing himself) took home Worst Supporting Actor, and Dennis Dugan, who directed both J&J and Sandler's other alleged comedy of 2011, Just Go with It, landed Worst Director.
You could make a fairly serious argument that Sandler hasn't starred in a legitimately funny movie since 1998's The Wedding Singer. And if I wanted to approach this particular list as lazily as Sandler makes feature films, I'd just start it with 2002's Mr. Deeds and end with either of his stinkbombs from last year. But I won't, because in an honest and meticulously researched list of the worst movies of the last 12 years, Sandler only earns one legitmate spot.
Okay, maybe two.
In no particular order...
Sex and the City 2 (2010) I know a good way to burn through what little goodwill remains attached to your franchise following 94 increasingly unctuous episodes and a movie that might as well have been subtitled "Rich White People Problems": add racism and the presumption that anyone outside of their curious fanbase gives a shit about the antics of these ghastly creatures.
The Pink Panther (2006) I read an interview with John Fogarty in Rolling Stone back in the '80s where he said he started playing CCR songs in concert because a friend warned him if he didn't, people were going to remember "Proud Mary" as a Tina Turner song. I wonder how many moviegoers under the age of 40, who've grown up with Steve Martin as the guy who stars in shitty remakes like Cheaper by the Dozen and The Pink Panther, have even heard of The Jerk or The Man with Two Brains.
Meet the Spartans/Epic Movie/Disaster Movie/Date Movie Alleged filmmakers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are just like Airplane!'s David Zucker, Jim Abrahams and Jerry Zucker, if the latter trio were given electroshock treatments and smothered by Chief Bromden.
Machine Gun Preacher (2011) This Gerard Butler cluster...bomb was released a few scant months before that embarrassing "Kony 2012" video all of you shared on your Facebook accounts and then deleted when that guy got caught masturbating in public. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, where would we be without born-again ex-cons and the firearms they love?
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002) George Lucas's story is sadly familiar: a (possibly) well-meaning filmmaker warped by early critical success and massive box office. When the take from your first sci-fi/fantasy trilogy allows you to finance your own movies outright, you have no more need for things like, oh, editors and script consultants and associate producers who tell you Hayden Christensen couldn't act his way out of a soap bubble.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (2007) The human race's offenses against the gods must be great indeed if Sandler and his cronies (Kevin James and Rob Schneider here) are allowed to make these kinds of films with impunity. It's so remarkably free of laughs I might as well have been watching John Wayne Gacy's home movies.
Rush Hour 3 (2007) This movie has everything: Chris Tucker earning $25 million to make only his third movie in nine years (and the third to have the words "rush" and "hour" in the title), Brett Ratner's skillful direction and convicted child rapist Roman Polanski cast as a police inspector who anally violates our beloved protagonists. Excelsior!
War Horse (2011) Nothing I can write here will add much to my earlier review. Suffice it to say if this inexplicable Oscar nominee had won the ultimate prize, it would've surpassed Forrest Gump as my annual punch line about the Academy Awards.
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Wild Hogs (2007) This one's almost identical to 1991's City Slickers, another movie about a group of whiny fortysomethings unable to come to grips with their receding hairlines and shattered dreams. If you must make this, at least take the biker analogy to the logical "Easy Rider" shotgun-to-the-face ending and spare us the possibility of seeing Travolta in leather again.
Norbit (2007) Fun fact: This movie came out the same year Eddie Murphy was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for Dreamgirls...it's funny 'cause she's fat.