Pop Rocks

Pop Rocks: Let's All Imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger Having Sex

I'm sure somebody out there was really eager for actor/former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to write a memoir. Whoever you are, your prayers have been answered:

Arnold Schwarzenegger says his lifelong penchant for secrecy and ability to put his emotions "on deep freeze" led him to keep many secrets from his wife Maria Shriver, eventually causing the dissolution of their marriage when he was forced to admit he fathered a child with the family's housekeeper years earlier.

There were other deceptions, too, including a "hot affair" with actress Brigitte Nielsen while filming the 1985 film "Red Sonja," when he and Shriver were living together. He admits to other affairs, but tells Stahl they are "something that's obviously between Maria and me."

"On deep freeze." I think Batman and Robin was more psychically damaging than any of us thought.

I doubt anyone's too surprised by these particular revelations. Honestly, I think I'd have been disappointed if he *hadn't* gotten with Nielsen, who in the mid-'80s was hot in that aloof, Ilsa: She-Wolf of the SS way every guy secretly desires but none of us will admit in front of our wives.


Obviously none of us were around to bear witness to these apparently numerous trysts, so I've taken it upon myself to offer a sampling of dialogue/facial expressions from Ah-nold's film repertoire in the hopes we can better visualize what it must have been like to have the Austrian Oak slip you his wood.

"Get to da choppah!" - Predator In an alternate universe where we amended the Constitution to allow Arnold to become President, I like to believe this has entered the common vernacular as a eupehmism for achieving climax.

"Enough talk!" - Conan the Destroyer I'd be willing to bet thousands of somebody else's dollars that Schwarzenegger actually used this line in real life, pre-coitus. Unlike in the movie, I hope the only thing he subsequently impaled his partner with was...well, you know.

"Aaaahhhhh!" - Total Recall This is too terrifyingly consistent not to be accurate, and suffces as both an expression of pain or of pleasure. Kind of like how you can't always tell if someone is crying from laughter or because her husband just told her he fathered a child with the maid.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar