Pop Rocks: Madonna's Secret Revolution, Neither a Secret Nor a Revolution, Discuss

Tuesday night, Madonna finally unveiled her new "secretprojectrevolution," you know, the one that we've all been waiting with baited breath for her to uncover? Oh, you hadn't heard about it? Or you didn't care? Both?

Since the summer, Madonna has been leaking trailers of a secret project to the media in the form of trailers for a short film directed by herself and the photographer Steven Klein. The secret project, which is hell-bent on starting a revolution, was officially released Tuesday night in a not-so-secret launch party, where the singer/"actress"/"director(?)/person premiered the film as well as what the big secret was. You are totally never going to guess. It's a... a... website!

No, it's not a website, it's a place where people from all around the world can start their own revolution by expressing their "personal meaning of freedom in the form of video, music, poetry and photography." So, it's Youtube!

Madonna is starting this pandemonium with Vice magazine and BitTorrent, the content delivery system. You can download the 17-minute video at the artforfreedom.com website and hey, while you are there, it's easy enough to also download the BitTorrent bundle and feel free to use it all the time.

Or you can upload your revolutionary artwork or video to the site, which may or may not be featured. I couldn't tell just yet if there is some sort of vetting process for what is acceptable "freedom of expression artwork," but I assume videos of your overweight cat wouldn't count in the "starting a revolution category." But wait, all you future Che Guevaras, before you upload your freedom, make sure to input your Facebook and Twitter handle for us so that we can track you, because nothing says sovereignty like a media company utilizing your online connections for predictive modeling and future profits.

Madonna says in her video that she keeps telling people she is trying to start a revolution, but no one is taking her seriously. It's not because you are a woman or a blond, as she mentions in her video. No one is taking you seriously because you are Madonna and you have chosen to express yourself (call back, yo!) through a trite black- and-white avant garde film unveiled at an invitation-only party that most likely cost you, Vice and BitTorrent a multitude of money. Why not aid an already in progress revolution and donate that cash to Syria or Egypt. Just sayin'.

Madonna also mentions that in this revolution that she is so desperate to start, it won't "be televised" or "available on the Internet." Yes, this revolution will be from within the souls of the people! This she tells us from a video that we are all currently watching on the Internet, and don't forget to mark your self-determination with the hashtag #artforfreedom or #secretprojectrevolution, either one is fine to help them track the trending.

I am being overly facetious. But c'mon. Look, I like Madonna but her efforts over the past two decades are so misguided. Freedom of expression is totes awesome, I agree. But you can't advertise it. You can't purchase key words from Google to encourage an artistic movement. Revolution is not something that you can start "trending." It happens. And it has happened and will continue to happen when people want it to.

She says in her video that this world is overrun with oppression. Hello? Where have you been the past thousand years? This is nothing new. No one has been hiding this information from you, Madonna. It's not a good thing, but it should certainly come as no surprise. Maybe, I don't know, take a break from tantric weight lifting, or whatever trend diet/exercise you are currently into and go walk in someone else's shoes for a while. People need help; they don't need nihilistic experimental film.

Remember this secret? This was a really good secret, Madonna.

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