Pop Rocks: Pop Culture's Most Bad Ass Presidents

Steven Speilberg's Lincoln opens tomorrow. I saw it last night, and it was definitely a movie about our 16th President. I'll have more to say in my actual review, which I realize has roughly zero chance of affecting your decision to see it. But if you "like" it on Facebook, my editors will give me a crisp five dollar bill.

Just kidding (I need, like, a hundred likes for that). One thing I can guarantee you'll take away from the movie: Abraham Lincoln was a bad ass. And I mean that in the most 19th century way possible. Forget his legendary strength or wrestling ability, the dude won a civil war -- the Civil War -- and freed the slaves. That's certainly more laudable than fighting off a rabbit (Carter) or getting us bogged down in a war ostensibly to find "weapons of mass destruction" that didn't actually exist (Bush).

Ranking at or near the top of actual Presidents is one thing, but but one can't help but wonder how that former Commander-in-Chief would stack up against these bad ass fictional Chief Executives.

George Washington

As if Washington's real life wasn't amazeballs enough (defeating the British, stepping down at the end of his Presidency instead of becoming American Dictator for Life), through the wonders of animated television we know he also kicked Jebediah Springfield's (AKA Hans Sprungfeld) ass and drove a hard bargain for the American flag:

And then there's this:

"Ate opponent's brains and invented cocaine." You won't read that in some bullshit David McCullough book.

Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho

How many Presidents wish they could have brought a machine gun to their State of the Union address? I'm guess 24, with Andrew Jackson at the top of the list.

James Marshall

It's a great line and everything, but wouldn't it have been easier for the First Lady to just walk up to where her husband and Korshunov were fighting and put a bullet in the Russian's head?

Thomas J. Whitmore

George W. Bush was also a pilot, but he never fought in a pitched battle against alien invaders for the future of mankind.

Or maybe he did. Those Texas Air National Guard records are pretty sketchy.

Nixon's Head

One could make the point the head of former President Richard M. Nixon was slightly less of a full-blown psychotic than the actual President. You be the judge.

Michael Wilson

The Japanese have the best names for video games. Case in point: Metal Wolf Chaos, in which the rightfully elected President Wilson is deposed by his VP, ushering in a nightmare dictatorship.

What would you do in Wilson's shoes? Appeal to the Supreme Court? Lead a grassroots movement of your fellow Americans to remove the Vice President in a non-violent revolution? Or would you strap on your battlemech armor and lay waste to half the continental United States in the pursuit of JUSTICE?

That's what I thought.

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