Because everyone knows you're lying.
In case you've somehow missed it, here's the scoop:
Kristen Stewart has apologized publically to boyfriend and "Twilight" co-star Robert Pattinson following tabloid reports she had a brief but steamy affair with her "Snow White and the Huntsman" director Rupert Sanders.
The 22-year-old actress issued her apology to People Magazine on Wednesday. It was quickly followed by an apology to People from the 41-year-old Sanders to his family. Stewart has been in a relationship for several years with Pattinson. Sanders is married and has two children.
This truly devastating news is only magnified by the apparent unwillingness of large sections of the American public to take it seriously. Well, I'm not making that mistake. Ernest Hemingway said, "Courage is grace under pressure." I only hope I have enough courage to get me through this national crisis.
Oh, I know what you were thinking, that I'd be all like:
You were also expecting me to say something along the lines of, "Of course their bogus 'romance' is falling apart; the last Twilight movie comes out this year, and the end of the franchise means there's no tangible reason to continue their marketing charade of a relationship."
Stewart and Pattinson were our *last chance*, people. Every other celebrity couple through which we live vicariously has failed us. Tom and Katie already broke up (I know, I know, I was as shocked as you), so did: Heidi and Seal, Ashton and Demi, J-Lo and Marc, Johnny and Vanessa, Sophia and...some dude, that one Bachelorette and those guys.
Who does that leave? Brad and Angelina (or as I call them, "BradAngelina")? They're too busy parenting to provide the juicy photo ops we crave. Ryan and Blake? Don't encourage them or we might get a Green Lantern sequel. Will and Jada? Don't encourage them or we might have to see more of their kids.
KStew and Rpatz were our Liz Taylor and Richard Burton: They met on the set of Twilight, just like Taylor and Burton met while filming Cleopatra (critically about as maligned as the vampire saga); their occasionally tumultuous relationship was marked by occasional adultery, just like the Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? couple; okay, that's where the similarity ends, I guess. Isn't Stewart playing Taylor in some movie? Wait, that's Lindsay Lohan? It's so hard to tell one dead-eyed twentysomething from another these days.
But enough of that. What have other celebrities had to say about the event that rivals JFK's assassination for sheer tragedy?
Well, that seems sincere-ish.
It's funny because she's kind of expressionless and only 12 million other people on Twitter said the same thing.
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Quit stealing my material, Urbaniak!
Okay, that's a wrap.
Honestly, I blame Pattinson. When you're dating (key word here: If he liked it, then he shoulda put a ring on it) a person known for on-set hookups, do you just let them run off and star in a movie without hovering nearby during the shoot? What was he supposed to do, trust her?
In the end, I feel sorry for Sanders's kids, what with having to confront the specter of their dad's infidelity every time they saw a Kristen Stewart movie. Then again, after the last Twilight movie, how many movies are they going to see Stewart in?