Pop Rocks

Pop Rocks: The Official Jason Alexander Memorial List Of Things That Are Gay

No, Jason Alexander's not dead, but his career probably is:

Jason Alexander issued a lengthy apology over the weekend after he referred to cricket as a "gay game" during his appearance Friday on CBS' Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.

"It's the pitch," the former Seinfeld star remarked to Ferguson. "It's the weirdest... It's not like a manly baseball pitch; it's a queer British gay pitch."

Needless to say, the comments didn't go over too well with the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation as well as several of Alexander's Twitter followers.

These are strange days, my friends. Cannibal sightings are on the rise, Los Angeles is in the NHL Finals, and Jason Alexander still somehow has enough juice to appear on American talk shows. When confusion reigns and society appears on the verge of collapse, it's sometimes difficult to sort out that which is truly important. Or truly homosexual. I can't help you on the former, but lucky for you, I've come up with the definitive list of Things That Are Gay. Hopefully Mr. Alexander reads this before his next TV appearance.

Salt Lake City, UT - Maybe you hadn't heard, but the Advocate named this home of the Mormon Tabernacle the "Gayest City in America" for 2012. Yes, Salt Lake City. In case you were curious, Houston -- home of Mayor Annise Parker and a Gay Pride Parade attended by 200,000 people -- didn't even make the top 25.

All Professional Sports - Now that I think about it though, a fundamental definition of "gay" has to include the absence of members of the opposite sex. By that measure, the NFL, NBA, MLB, and NHL are all tremendously gay. Football cheerleaders are relegated to the sidelines, NBA dance teams aren't even on the floor the same time as the men, and women are nowhere to be seen during baseball and hockey matches.

Hardly surprising, as each sport requires the wielding of customized wooden phalluses.

1980s Heavy Metal Music - I can't claim credit for this, but can only agree with Patton Oswalt's assessment of the subject:

Also, Wyckyd Sceptre:

Spectral Density Function with Fourier Analysis - If I'm going by Alexander's criteria that things that are strange and incomprehensible to me are "gay," then this particular branch of statistical signal processing is totally queer.

The Lost Boys - It was a different era we children of the '80s grew up in, when men wore scoop necked T-shirts on purpose, saxophone players performed shirtless, and teenage boys thought nothing of hanging a poster of a smoldering Rob Lowe on their bedroom wall.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar