Pop Rocks: This Scientology "Wife Audition" Thing Sounds Pretty Awesome

The October issue of Vanity Fair contains an article about the mating habits of Scientologists (Tom Cruise, specifically) that's already got the "church" sounding battle stations:

Cruise's rep Bert Fields tells ET, "Vanity Fair's story is essentially a rehash of tired old lies previously run in the supermarket tabloids, quoting the same bogus 'sources.' It's long, boring and false."

The new VF issue claims that in 2004, before Cruise married Katie Holmes, Scientology members embarked on a top-secret project headed up by Shelly Miscavige, the wife of Scientology chief David Miscavige, to find a girlfriend for Tom Cruise that involved an elaborate auditioning process. The article goes on to detail very harsh treatment that Nazanin Boniadi, an Iranian-born, London-raised actress and Scientologist, allegedly experienced after she was selected to date Cruise from November 2004 until January 2005.

Leaving aside the -- admittedly -- harrowing treatment Boniadi was [allegedly] subjected to for resisting his awkward PDAs (she had to spend hours each day purging herself of "negative thoughts" about Cruise) and insulting Miscavige (kicked out of Cruise's house and forced to perform menial punishments when she revealed her relationship with Cruise to a fellow Scientologist), I think these people are on to something here. Looking at the number of single parents and the growing number of cases on Divorce Court, it's clear our Suppressive Person method of courtship is far inferior to those of the CoS.

"Dinner & a Movie" vs. Pre-clear Auditing The forced small talk, the awkward conversations, the fumbling goodnight kiss. And all you really want to know is, "How many other people has he/she slept with?" Well, strap on that E-meter and you can learn about your potential mate's sexual partners going back billions of years. At least then you could avoid those uncomfortable silences.

Fun fact: John Travolta is a Scientologist.

One-Night Stands vs Nobu and Rockefeller Center This one is kind of a toss-up, because while Nobu is delicious and getting a private skate at Rockefeller Center (it was closed to the public for Cruise's first date with Boniadi), having first-date sex you end up regretting immediately is hard to beat. Cruise and Boniadi allegedly spent their first night together as well (at Trump Tower), but didn't have sex. Maybe they enjoyed a Days of Thunder/All the Right Moves double feature.

Proposing at a Ballgame vs Church-Approved Marriage Contracts Proposing is always a risky proposition, assuming you're not betrothed like Simba and Nala and the whole thing is just a fait accompli. That uncertainty is compounded a hundredfold if you elect to pop the question in public, as a negative response could have lasting trauma (see below). The Church has a way around that: marriage contracts. You get your set marriage period (minimum five years? Maximum one billion?), environmentally friendly single child and an ironclad pre-nup (the agreement between Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly filled five Bankers Boxes). Ah, romance.

Couples Counseling vs Vitamins and the "Introspection Rundown" Marriages run into trouble from time to time. You could go see a counselor, or you could accept that psychiatry is an inherently evil and corrupt profession bent on world domination. Your call.

Your Old College Roommate as Best Man vs David Miscavige So you've asked the Big Question, she's inexplicably said "yes" and now you have a wedding to plan. Bad enough trying to find a reception location that won't frown upon your uncle dry heaving off the balcony, but picking a best man from among your lifetime chums? Shit is tough. Hey, why not get Chairman of the Board at the Church's "Religious Technology Center" David Miscavige? He stood up for Cruise at his, let's see, third wedding, so you know he's got experience. Of course, you'll probably want to get some background on the guy. Fortunately, Village Voice writer Tony Ortega lays out a series of...interesting Miscavige anecdotes that were relayed to him by former Church member John Brousseau. That ought to put your mind at ease.

That's right, folks; Scientologists are just like the Jews pre-WWII.

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