Postcards from Skyrim: Horse thieves and Barrel Rolls

Art Attack isn't playing Skyrim because, well, we like being married. However, the Brother With One F has trekked deep into the game and is happy to send us postcards from the vast world.

All right, I just finished some Chick-fil-A and decided to play some Skyrim. So I was on a personal quest to get a horse, I had to make the difficult decision (not really) to steal a horse or buy one. So I walk up on this farm with some really hard working people, and notice they have an awesome stable. I found this beautiful brown and white patched horse, I must have it.

I wait for night to fall, and then sneak into the farmer's land. I don't want to leave any witnesses to my theft, so I decided to just murder these people. Now, I have a bit of a sadistic side, so I come up with a clever way to take them out. I sneak into their house where they are having a nice dinner, I pickpocket both of them clean. Now, I decide to leave some poison in their pockets. I find a corner to sit in and watch as they convulse and cough and drop dead right before my eyes... LOL.

All right, time to get my pony and blow this Popsicle stand. I approach this beautiful beast and mount on up. YES! I finally have a horse and I didn't even have to pay for it. I move on to my next objective. I notice the quest marker is up on this mountainside. No problem, I have a pony. We climb up and winding paths... just a lizard and his trusty steed.

Wait, what the hell was that? Damnit, I hear the distinct roar. I pan the camera up, sure enough, it's a freaking dragon. Terrific.

I dismount and run up to fight it. I start shooting arrows at it and wearing it down. Then I pan the camera around to get a better position and to my horror, it's another dragon. That's right, just my damn luck. Two, count 'em, two dragons that are ready to eat my lizard ass. My natural fight-or-flight mechanic kicks in...

Yeah, I ninja the fuck out of there.

My adrenaline is pumping hard. I need to get out of here. I really do not want to die, and load up the save before I found my horse. I see my mount right where I left him. YES! I am getting out of here. 'Bout to chunk a deuce on these two chump dragons.

I approach the majestic beast, and, "BOOOSHHH!" I hear my character shout. GOD DAMNIT NO! Instead of hitting the button to mount him, I end up shouting him off the cliff and watch in horror as he does about 20 barrel rolls down the side of the mountain. The poor animal is dead. I turn the camera and the two dragons are there, staring at me. Five minutes later I am at my last save point. Oh well, time to go rob some priests. Later!

Love, Your Dead Homie Matt

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner