It's January, and the gyms are full of folks making good on their resolutions to get fit, get tight and get perfect for a spouse, a bathing suit or that nude modeling gig at the community college. Good for you, you are better than a percentage of people in Houston who only sweat from May until October.
If you spend any time among other humans, you will grow to have some pet peeves about their behavior. Probably while you do things yourself to piss them off the same. Like writing blogs about things that no one should notice, or trying to be coy about picking your wedgie while you are in the elliptical machine. Ahem.
True, a lot of the people you see today at the gym, wearing brand-new running shoes, a fancy sweatband and that $50 water bottle, won't be next to you in a few months. No, they won't be dead, but they will be mowing the lawn in those sneaks, the sweatband will be hidden in their trunk under newspaper, and the bottle will be filled with vodka and Sprite for a road trip.
Press writer Jeff Balke and I came up with a few questions, observations, and brain scramblers from our times spent around gyms. I did time as a janitor at a gym in Pearland during high school as my first job, so I have seen my share of used tampons on the ground, hands where they shouldn't be, and vintage, naked jiggly....stuff, to last a lifetime.
Being naked for things that don't require you be naked -- like shaving, stretching, talking about the Texans game. I will keep all conversation with a naked man to single syllables or a yes or no.
Leaving your wet, nasty towels and gym-rented clothing on the floor or benches instead of in the laundry hamper is a good way to get me to crop-dust you while you tie your shoes.
Spraying copious amounts of cologne, deodorant or anything else all over the locker room. Let your natural scent attract the ladies, you guys.
Why did you tamper with the controls in the steam room to the point the gym has to put in child safety guards to keep you off of them?
Look, when my head is down in the sauna, I don't want to talk. I am pretending I am praying so that you will be weirded out and want to leave so I can have the room to myself.
Hey lady, your workout tights are see-through. I'm not complaining per se, just giving you a heads up, and I swear to God I only know this because someone else told me to tell you. Wanna watch me lift some heavy shit?
Insanely loud and obnoxious bodily noises -- no one wants to hear you belch and fart. Keep your noisy tummy shames hidden by flushing the toilet. A lot. We won't mind. We aren't paying the water bill.
Why do you spin your arms like a helicopter for five minutes before each set you do? Also, is it cool if we try it too?
Why do you dry your testicles under the hand dryer? Are you and the missus "trying"?
Why do you hum loudly while you cut your toenails in the nude? There is no Shazam app for that, and the way you are sitting....I can....you know...see your....um....rear hole deal.
Look, if you don't want to hear the first four Metallica albums bleeding from my ears and watch me air-drum, then just use another treadmill. Simple as that.
I know I am not perfect, and may not always wipe things down in the weight area, and I may tweet while I am getting dressed -- to complain about your barnyard ass -- but at least I don't weigh myself while I am naked and dripping wet.
Why do you pour water on yourself in the dry sauna? Are you a maniac on the floor? Dancing like you've never danced before?
Why do you leave the shower curtain open? That rubber ducky is not regulation either.
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We like that you are a "cool" dad and bring your kids to the gym or pool to work out and swim. Seriously, my own dad took me to the gym when I was young and I loved it. As long as you watch them and attach a leash to them so that they don't touch me while I am getting dressed or start asking me about the naked zombie lady on my arm. Also, cavorting naked around the aforementioned -- also very nude -- random dudes, who haven't been properly vetted by law enforcement officials, could be dangerous.
Do you really have to shave your arms at the locker room sink? Does the wife frown on it at home? Man, you're whipped! (whipping motion/sound)
Why do you walk around the weights after each set slapping yourself in the biceps and scowling at everyone? We like -- love -- steroids and HGH as much as the next guy, but we have self-control.
Where did you get a purple jock strap?