Ralphie May Comes to Houston for New Year's Eve

After a quarter of a century in comedy, Ralphie May is busier than ever with a just-completed television special, more in the works and a heavy tour schedule. He tells us he might, however, have to change careers and jump into, of all things, politics.

"I'm gonna have to run for office here pretty soon. I keep talking about the same stuff and nobody's fixing it. If nobody's gonna fix it, I'll fix it, damn it. We need to tell people they're cocksuckers when they're cocksuckers.

"Ted Cruz, he needs a good 'Go fuck yourself!' It might do him a world of good. I'd tell Ted Cruz, 'Look here, the next time you fuck over the people of Texas, I'm gonna slap you just on principle. And I won't wait until there's a camera around; I'll just pull you into some bathroom and smack you down.'"

He goes on, "If we did that, I swear to God, it would be so much better. There would be so much less bullshit because people like Ted Cruz would know, he screws people around and he will get beaten. That would stop his shit right away."

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Olivia Flores Alvarez