Reality Bites: Big Tips Texas

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There are a million reality shows on the naked television. We're going to watch them all, one at a time.

If you live in a city, state, or part of the world that's been the focus of a reality show, you probably have plenty of complaints. The more thoughtful residents of the Garden State weren't overly fond of Jersey Shore, while the good people of Pittsburgh, PA probably aren't too jazzed about the picture Dance Moms paints of their fair(ish) city.

And while it would hard to fault Big Tips Texas for its portrayal of life in the Lone Star State, I can't deny it represents a not unsubstantial population of our republic. That is, those people less focused on individuality and ruggedness and more on how to best personify the ideals of the movie Coyote Ugly.

I've spent as little time in Lewisville as humanly possible, but even if I'd lived there 30 years I doubt we would have made the trip to "Redneck Heaven," a -- wait for it -- "breastaurant" where the ladies of Big Tips Texas work. The ladies are characterized as "veterans" like Sabrina and Claire or "new girls" like Kristyn and Morgan. Length of service being the only apparent means of differentiation, as most sport identical fake tans, unfortunate weaves, and poor eyeliner choices.

Among the scandals anchoring The Episode I Watched were 19-year old Mimi's (new girl) pregnancy by Colton, her boyfriend. For some reason, she's afraid to tell him of her delicate state, possibly because of the *totally* irrational fear the guy she slept with after being together for one week will reject her when he finds out. To Colton's, uh, credit, his only concern appears to be whether or not Mimi's breasts will surpass their current B-cup status. Truly this is a love for the ages.

Amber (veteran), on the other hand, was only recently released (last episode, I think) on bail for DWI. The penal acronym is helpfully spelled out for us, as MTV coyly pretends none of the adolescents who watch their shows have ever partaken of demon alcohol. This is the culmination of a series of incidents (somehow this show aired 13 episodes without anyone outside of North Texas hearing about it) to the point where Redneck Heaven manager Typhani (ugh) has had several come-to-Bubba meetings with her. Amber, incensed at the implication her four public intoxication arrests might be indicative of a larger problem, tearfully storms out of Typhani's (gah) house. This story continues on the next page.

I'm no Big City Breastaurant Manager, but it seems to me Typhani's (sigh) supervisory status might be improved if she didn't insist on mothering her employees when they aren't on company time. Then again, I don't supposed Redneck Heaven has anything resembling a "morals clause" in their employee contracts.

Besties Morgan and Kristyn are also fighting, but it's because Morgan got into the local rodeo and Kristyn didn't hear about it first. Morgan's bigger problem is she's a complete head case, more preoccupied with her pet goat than actually practicing her barrel riding.

Did someone say "barrel riding?"

Finally, Mimi's quote-unquote boyfriend Colton insists on telling Mimi's mom himself about the impending bundle of joy, and if you ever doubted at any point that this show was as clumsily scripted as any other on "Music Television," Mama's clumsy segue from shock to anger to acceptance at the news is enough to make Elisabeth Kübler-Ross stick a shotgun in her mouth.

I've got to hand it to them, Viacom really has their shit wired. By finding these insecure, proto-alcoholic females and enabling their self-destructive desperation for acceptance from every man with a functioning set of genitals, MTV is effectively breeding the next generation of viewers. Who will, in turn, become the next wave of MTV reality stars. And so on. And so on.

That ain't workin', man, that's the way you do it.

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