Reality Bites: Brace Yourselves For The 2012-13 Reality Season

There are a million reality shows on the naked television. We're going to watch them all, one at a time.

Sorry everyone, I needed a week off. While I understand being able to follow a show or two on a consistent basis, I really think experiencing the entire terrifying spectrum of reality television may be doing irreparable mental damage. As Nietzsche once said, "If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." And few things are as abyssal as Teresa Giudice's cold, psychopathic glare.

The reality (hee hee) of the situation is I'll never be able to watch every show out there. There are a half dozen Real Housewives variants, nearly that many dance competitions, and an endless stream of programs about picking, hoarding, gypsies or pregnant teenagers. At one a week, I can keep doing this until roughly 2075, which is when I've determined the premiere of Celebrity Fetus Bedazzling will cause our previously indifferent god to smite us once and for all.

Until then, the deluge will continue. Here's a taste of what's on the horizon.

[All quotes are from press releases/official websites/bitchy gossip pages.]

Girlfriend Confidential: LA - Oxygen

Girlfriend Confidential: LA will follow [America's Next Top Model season-3 winner] Eva, who's focusing more on her acting career and pursuing entrepreneurship all the while maintaining a relationship that's sort of up-in-the-air; talent manager Kelly Marie Dunn, who's in the process of rebranding herself; interior designer Nikki Chu, who's working hard to rebuild her design company; and actress Denyce Lawton, who is grieving the loss of her murdered brother and adjusting to the single life after recently breaking off her engagement.

"Rebranding?" "Rebuilding?" Read my lips: BO-RING. But that news about Denyce is tragic; it must be terrible to be single in Los Angeles?

The Job - CBS

This reality series from Survivor creator Mark Burnett and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire's Michael Davies will pit applicants against each other in an attempt to land their dream job. Lisa Ling will host.

The real challenge was bleeping out the preliminary interview for the guy whose dream job was getting reamed with a dildo by Gianna Michaels.

Breaking Amish - TLC

TLC's new "Breaking Amish," premiering Sept. 9 at 10 p.m., tosses five young Amish and Mennonite people into the heart of the city and stands back to see if they thrive. Or survive.

Of course, now I know where that Heisenberg hat comes from.


All The Right Moves - Oxygen

The reality series follows dancers Travis Wall, Teddy Forance, Nick Lazzarini, and Kyle Robinson as they try to launch a new dance company named Shaping Sound.

This apparently premiered during the Olympics. Clever strategy. It returns August 21 to what will hopefully (for them) be a few more viewers.

Life With La Toya - OWN

The series will follow the singer/author as she juggles her demanding career with her even more daunting family life.

Demanding career. That's a good one. And the "daunting family life" aspect consists entirely of keeping Michael's kids from seeing copies of her Playboy issue.

Catfish - MTV

It's a 12-part show that visits couples who fell in love over the Internet -- only to discover the real-life person isn't who he or she had been led to believe.

You mean people...misrepresent themselves on the Internet? I think I need to lie down.

Untitled Mixed Martial Arts show - Spike TV

Officials today announced a new unscripted reality show that will feature Bellator fighters, though details of the series are under wraps for now.

Spike lost UFC to a contract dispute with Fox, so now they get #2 Bellator. More chiseled head cases beating the shit out of each other, though. America.

Hotel Hell - FOX

Ramsay will endure hotels at their worst - from filthy bedrooms and mold-ridden bathrooms to dreadful room service and incompetent staff - all so unsuspecting guests don't have to. After he has uncovered the issues, Ramsay will put the hotel owners and employees to work as he attempts to turn around these failing establishments. With reputations on the line, one thing is certain: if they can't meet Ramsay's high standards, they will never check out of HOTEL HELL.

Cue Eagles song, with added bleeping of Ramsay's "hilarious" profanity. This is what we've embraced from the UK.

Market Wars - PBS

PBS yesterday unveiled a new competition series from the producers of Antiques Roadshow: Market Wars, a 20-episode series, airing summer/fall 2012, that gives audiences a lesson in the bare-knuckles business of scoring a bargain. In each one-hour episode, professional antiques dealers put their reputations on the line -- as they're pitted against the clock, a budget and each other -- and embark on nationwide treasure hunts, scouring flea markets and antiques shops for vintage valuables. The goal: to score the biggest profit in each show's final auction segment.

Et tu, PBS? For anyone wondering why this sounds familiar, it's because the BBC did it years ago with Bargain Hunters.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo - TLC

Take an inside look into life with "Honey Boo Boo" where the six-year-old pageant sensation proves that she is more than just a beauty queen.

I won't lie; I haven't dreaded something this much since I sat down to watch A Serbian Film. Nevertheless, it's on tap for next week's Reality Bites.

And may have god have mercy on our souls.

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