Reality Bites: Buying Naked

There are a million reality shows on the naked television. We're going to watch them all, one at a time.

Did you know Pasco Country, Florida is one of the largest nudist friendly areas in the country? Of course not, and why would you? Who seeks that kind of information out?

Besides nudists, I mean.

The county is home to about a dozen "clothing optional" subdivisions and neighborhoods, and Jackie Youngblood -- the self-titled Queen of Nudist Real Estate -- is here to help you with all your naked home purchase needs. Thanks again, TLC, for reminding us that the "Learning" in your network name is far from a mandatory requirement.

For starters, bared bottoms apparently do not qualify as "indecent" by FCC guidelines, because Buying Naked has acres of ass. Even before we meet the couple in The Episode I Watched ("Nudey-web's First Home;" because they just got married and they dress like Gram Parsons), we were treated to a wide variety of bum.

This was also the first instance when I wondered if the show was fake. I mean, at some point you wonder if *all* of these shows are bullshit, but my own history with nudists (don't ask) has taught me the people you least want to see in the buff are generally the ones who insist on being naked. That's apparently not the case in Pasco County, where everyone is in suspiciously decent shape.

This is certainly the case with Mike and Hillary, recently wed and looking for a place to suit their clothes-less lifestyle. Naturally they turn to Jackie, who squires them around several communities. During this time, the show offers several "nudist rules," presumably to acquaint us squares watching at home in our shameful pajamas with what life in the buff is like.

For example, "Nudists should wear aprons when cooking to protect bare skin." This offered after Hillary complains about getting burned while cooking bacon sans vêtements. No shit? Next you'll tell me your rear end gets chafed when you drive for long periods of time without trousers.

Speaking of that, these resorts also have gyms where you can exercise in the nude. Well, you have to wear shoes, and that's important because I'm totally more worried about athlete's foot than I am about lying down to do a few skull crushers on the same bench where someone's (probably) sweaty ass and or scrotum was resting moments earlier. There better be a full-time wipe down guy in this place, because I sure as hell don't trust diligent gym etiquette to a bunch of people too lazy/absent-minded to remember to put on pants.

I kid. I kid because I'm appalled. Seriously, my crippling body issues aside, I couldn't care less how naked you want to be, but wear goddamn shorts to the gym. It's also not criticizing your lifestyle to say you're an idiot for mowing your lawn or riding a motorcycle without protective attire (both activities being depicted on Buying Naked).

Mike also works from home at times, so he'd like an office in his new house. This means he presumably works in a normal clothed office environment the rest of the time. I want you to think about the people you work with, now imagine them all naked. You're welcome.

Because we're only allowed to see derriere, TLC has to use strategic concealment of genitalia and (female) breasts, which is a source of fairly constant amusement. I especially enjoyed the bananas concealing Mike's member in one scene. But seriously, are we arguing that butts are somehow less offensive than boobs? This patriarchal objection to showing the chest must end.

And also: boobs.

Thanks to Buying Naked I know that nudists/naturists are willing to spend way too much money purchasing a home, even after the recent recession. Well look at that, TLC; I actually "learned" something watching one of your shows. Mind blown.

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