Reality Bites

Reality Bites: Kourtney & Kim Take New York

There are a million reality shows on the naked television. We're going to watch them all, one at a time.

I'm guilty of a great many entertainment-related crimes against humanity. I'm an unapologetic fan of the show COPS, have given favorable reviews to most all the Resident Evil movies, and attended the Spice GIrls reunion show in Vegas a few years back. Any way you slice it, my hands aren't clean.

But even with the metric tonnage of magazine covers and television bandwidth devoted to the Kardashian family, it wasn't until I was blearily scouring channel listings for another "Reality Bites" subject that I realized I'd never seen a Kardashian TV show. Since there are four programs devoted to the family currently airing or in reruns, I'd consider that a point of pride if not for, well, see the first paragraph.

Problem solved, I thought. And what better way to get my feet wet than to dive right into the season finale of Kourtney & Kim Take New York?"

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Of course, "taking New York" doesn't amount to much more than sitting around their suite. Oh, and crying. So much crying, and all from Kim, who feels like she got into her wedding way too fast and was caught up in "the fairy tale." Because Cinderella also made 6 million dollars a year from letting cameras film her 24-7.

Kourtney asks if maybe they should give it a shot at home and not in New York with her and Scott (her husband live-in baby daddy). The unspoken implication is maybe they could've tried matrimony sans cameras. That's actually pretty funny. With Ryan Seacrest as an executive producer? Not likely.

I can't be the first person to point out Scott Disick looks like Patrick Bateman with a skin condition and fewer sit-ups. He's opening a restaurant but isn't getting a lot of support from the little lady, which just shot to the top of my list of #whitepeopleproblems.

And Kourtney actually seems like a decent mother to son Mason, not counting the kid's mullet. Oh, and the fact she's allowed E! to film her and Scott endlessly bitching at each other. He's a charmer, telling Kourtney she should wear a "wide load" sign on her ass. Apparently the insensitive prick doesn't read Us Magazine or he'd know his wife was pregnant again. Though honestly, for all their apparent shittiness towards each other, they do come across as a functional couple. For some reason I find that horribly depressing.

Oh, how cute. Kim's NBA husband Kris Humphries (they were married in the season premiere) thinks things "are a little weird right now." Guess he's not watching the dailies of his soon-to-be ex-wife bawling about the huge mistake she's made.

Kim makes a half-assed attempt to talk things over with Kris (and to be fair, "half-assed" is still quite an effort for someone with that caboose). "Sometimes I just feel so, like, dead inside." No shit? That might be because you look like a newly embalmed corpse. I'd rather play PS3 than confront that ghastly visage, too. Kris agrees to make her a priority. Note to everyone: No real married couple has ever had this conversation.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar