Reality Bites: Kourtney & Kim Take New York

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There are a million reality shows on the naked television. We're going to watch them all, one at a time.

I'm guilty of a great many entertainment-related crimes against humanity. I'm an unapologetic fan of the show COPS, have given favorable reviews to most all the Resident Evil movies, and attended the Spice GIrls reunion show in Vegas a few years back. Any way you slice it, my hands aren't clean.

But even with the metric tonnage of magazine covers and television bandwidth devoted to the Kardashian family, it wasn't until I was blearily scouring channel listings for another "Reality Bites" subject that I realized I'd never seen a Kardashian TV show. Since there are four programs devoted to the family currently airing or in reruns, I'd consider that a point of pride if not for, well, see the first paragraph.

Problem solved, I thought. And what better way to get my feet wet than to dive right into the season finale of Kourtney & Kim Take New York?"

Of course, "taking New York" doesn't amount to much more than sitting around their suite. Oh, and crying. So much crying, and all from Kim, who feels like she got into her wedding way too fast and was caught up in "the fairy tale." Because Cinderella also made 6 million dollars a year from letting cameras film her 24-7.

Kourtney asks if maybe they should give it a shot at home and not in New York with her and Scott (her husband live-in baby daddy). The unspoken implication is maybe they could've tried matrimony sans cameras. That's actually pretty funny. With Ryan Seacrest as an executive producer? Not likely.

I can't be the first person to point out Scott Disick looks like Patrick Bateman with a skin condition and fewer sit-ups. He's opening a restaurant but isn't getting a lot of support from the little lady, which just shot to the top of my list of #whitepeopleproblems.

And Kourtney actually seems like a decent mother to son Mason, not counting the kid's mullet. Oh, and the fact she's allowed E! to film her and Scott endlessly bitching at each other. He's a charmer, telling Kourtney she should wear a "wide load" sign on her ass. Apparently the insensitive prick doesn't read Us Magazine or he'd know his wife was pregnant again. Though honestly, for all their apparent shittiness towards each other, they do come across as a functional couple. For some reason I find that horribly depressing.

Oh, how cute. Kim's NBA husband Kris Humphries (they were married in the season premiere) thinks things "are a little weird right now." Guess he's not watching the dailies of his soon-to-be ex-wife bawling about the huge mistake she's made.

Kim makes a half-assed attempt to talk things over with Kris (and to be fair, "half-assed" is still quite an effort for someone with that caboose). "Sometimes I just feel so, like, dead inside." No shit? That might be because you look like a newly embalmed corpse. I'd rather play PS3 than confront that ghastly visage, too. Kris agrees to make her a priority. Note to everyone: No real married couple has ever had this conversation.

Half an hour in and I think I've got how the show works: Two people have a conversation, then one of these same people tells the camera they're glad they talked, usually while repeating whatever was just said to them, junior high essay style. Repeat 20 times.

Kris and Kim attempt to buttress the crumbling foundation of their marriage by going on a date at STK, which I understand is "not your daddy's steakhouse" (no, really, watch the commercial). According to Kris, "It'll be good to get away from the suite" and just talk about...things.

Yeah, it's as excruciating as you'd expect. She's not excited about him moving in with her in L.A., because what kind of weird-ass couple lives in the same fucking house? She actually has a panic attack when she sees all 12 of his boxes. Kourtney calls her a bitch, which Kim finds, like, really insensitive. I'm on my fourth beer at this point.

Now Kim talks to Kris and says she wants to "throw up inside." That seems like it would lead to stomach problems. Important lesson, kids: Always allow the vomit to escape your body. She calls sister Khlow. And cries. The subject is the horrible spectacle that might (will) result if (when) their dumb-ass marriage ends. "You don't think I feel embarrassed?" She asks. Oh, sweetheart, you're physically incapable of embarrassment. Didn't you make your first million from a settlement with Vivid over a tape of the most desultory blowjob since Newt Gingrich's third honeymoon?

Then Kourtney comes in. And Kim cries. At this point, I'm starting to worry about mascara poisoning. I mean, the shit is just coursing down her face and she still looks like a ninja raccoon. Scott comes in and reminds her, "You know you're married, right?" And Kim cries. Kris puts his clothes in storage, because that's what married people do. Kim laments that, unlike her barely-a-year-older sister, she doesn't have a kid. And cries.

As the foursome are recapping their NYC adventure (they also went shopping, that's how you "take New York," Al Qaeda!), Kim says her "peak" was living with Mason. And with that, Kris finally seems to realize it's over.

A week later, it would be.

I'm happy to report that my years-long resistance to all things Kardashian was well justified. Given the quality of her, uh, previous performances, I shouldn't have been surprised at just how boring these people are. E!'s been forcing this clan of lachrymose narcissists on us for going on five years now, and after watching K&KTNY, I'm still unable to say what the attraction is. Hell, Kim and Kris's horrible joke of a marriage didn't even collapse because of something entertaining, like infidelity or because Kris likes to collect My Pretty Ponies. No, the marriage didn't last because it was, of course, a complete sham to begin with. Everything about these people is artificial and engineered for maximum advertising returns, and it just made sense for the "marriage plotline" to end with the season. Nothing more.

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