Film and TV

Reality Bites: Sex Sent Me To The ER

There are a million reality shows on the naked television. We're going to watch them all, one at a time.

When you think about mankind's obsession with a) putting their genitals into things, and/or b) putting things in their genitals (and other areas), it's a wonder our emergency rooms aren't overflowing with women electrocuted by defective vibrators and guys who "slipped in the bathtub while changing a light bulb in the dark and accidentally fell rectum-first onto a flashlight."

Visits to the ER are never fun, and only occasionally hilarious. Lucky for us, TLC ("The 'L' Used to Stand for Learning!") has rightfully figured out most of the humorous moments come from two consenting adults copulating in extraordinarily unwise ways.

Now, for this show, I've set aside my usual rancor towards reenactments. Normally I get annoyed if cameras aren't present to capture each and every animal attack or dramatic highway patrol stop, but Sex Sent Me to the ER generally features couples I wouldn't have wanted to watch fornicate even in the pre-internet Dark Ages of masturbation, when the only relief came from scrambled Playboy TV and Three's Company reruns (Suzanne Somers -- and maybe Jenilee Harrison -- only).

Each show features three "vignettes." In The Episode I Watched, we ran the gamut from ill-advised cosplay to ... ill-advised vehicular humping.

First up, "Game Over," featuring "Jason" and "Michele" (I have no idea if these are their real names, so my quotes are probably pointless). Eager to distract Jason from his video games, Michele dresses like a princess, because "there's a princess in the game." I'm not ashamed to admit I immediately tried to identify the game in question:

That looks like an Xbox controller, so probably not Super Mario Bros. Skyrim? Dragon Spirit? Fucking Spyro?

Where was I? Oh, right, so Jason buys a dragon costume (which she cuts a convenient hole in), they engage in activities that would drive St. George into a murderous rage (maybe now we have an explanation for all those paintings). Then they pass out. The next morning, Michele realizes the key she stashed in her "treasure chest" has been pushed in (pushed in real good). And so they venture to the ER, costumes and all, because they're still manacled together by the fuzzy handcuffs a well-prepared princess carries at all times.

As it happens, the key is tangled in the string of Michele's IUD. Now, I don't know about you, but putting a primitive explosive device in your vagina seems really ... what? It's spelled how? Ah. That makes more sense.

Next comes "Scratch and Burn," where we meet emergency room doctor David Meyers, who works the ER night shift at Hollywood Upstairs Medical College (or wherever). He's dealing with a young man complaining of itching and burning when he urinates. After admitting to five or six partners in the last week (and after Meyers congratulates him for being such a HOUND), the doctor orders VD tests. Not pictured: Meyers asking for pointers on nailing cougars.

Frank, aka "El Macho," calls all the older ladies he's been shtupping, and they obligingly show up at the ER and plead with the doctor to cure his mighty penis without actually beating the shit out of each other as well. This all leads me to believe Meyers is making the whole thing up, the better to position himself as Dr. Drew's replacement. Turns out it was just poison ivy, so he can't pleasure the ladies until it clears up.

That'll teach him to make such ... rash decisions. YEEAAAAAH.

Finally, we have "A Night to Remember." Tony and Stephanie regale us (in most cases, the actual participants narrate while their somewhat more attractive doppelgangers recreate the action) with a story from 25+ years ago, when the two were dating. At the time, both were still living with their respective parents, and so forced like all red-blooded adolescents to get their freak on in a secluded area. Unfortunately, finding out the usual spot is too crowded, they opt for someplace a bit more out of the way.

Tony and Stephanie are surprisingly indignant about their forced relocation to this day, as if you can should be forced to somehow make reservations in the local vacant fuck lot. They should have done like us when we were teens and sneak into a church.

Kidding, mom.

Unfortunately, Tony and Stephanie's new spot ends up being in the middle of a road, so the pair gets rear ended, and not in the good way. This turns out to be the most boring segment, as the Shocking Revelation for the ER doc (and Stephanie's mom and sister) is that Stephanie was naked at the time of the crash. This would've been the perfect time for Tony to claim alien abduction but he confesses like an idiot. Kids those days.

Stephanie ends up with a cracked bone (she's not the only one! Up high!) in her neck (never mind), and I'm all out of dumb sex puns. Next week, maybe I'll look into this Bachelorette nonsense.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar