Red Alert: Why Elf On A Shelf Is Freaking Creepy And Un-American

A few of my child-rearing friends on Facebook are currently doing the Elf On A Shelf thing with their kids this holiday season. You may have heard of this newfound Christmas tradition, where families "adopt" these elves into their homes for them to commit loveable acts of mischief around the household.

My aunt has been doing the EOAS thing for one of my young cousins. He sat me down last Christmas Eve and told me about the elf that has been wreaking havoc in his home. He seemed genuinely concerned and was asking for advice in combating the creature on his own terms.

Some parents are using the fun-loving elves with dead-eyed smiles as scare tactics, with kids frightened of this tiny guy -- some families have two elves -- spying on them for Santa Claus during the holiday season, possibly to the detriment of his Christmas morning haul.

"You better wash your hands after supper, I'm watching you. All of you."

It's bad enough that Mr. Claus sees you when you're sleeping, knows when you're awake, and even somehow knows if you've been bad or good. But now he has help. Held hostage by cloth.

What kind of 1984-style world are we fashioning for our children? When an elf will watch your every move like an overseer and then report back to the big man for later punishment or penalty?

Is EOAS a tool to get our children ready for a coming Communist America?

"Shape up or there are consequences, like not receiving material items for your later amusement."

Being a well-behaved child -- male or otherwise -- should be its own reward. Because after all it's the man upstairs you should be worried about pleasing so you don't go to hell, not some commie punk with pointy ears and smile that could burn a Bible.

He's even wearing red, like a good faithful comrade! More like Ivan or Vladimir on a shelf, am I right?

And now a quick word from Goldline....

With today's economic uncertainty, adding gold to your portfolio has become a recognized diversification strategy, serving as a potential hedge against inflation and a declining dollar.

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