Pop Culture

Secret Schwings: Unsung Celebrity Crushes from the '90s

Patricia Richardson, who played Jill Taylor on Home Improvement for 204 episodes, was one of my first celebrity crushes of the '90s. What was it that drew me to her? I don't know. The voice, the hair, the domineering sneer, this Tim Taylor fantasy sequence?

When I found out she was on Twitter not too long ago and very active on the site, it reminded me of my weekly Improvement viewings and being oddly attracted to a plain Midwestern housewife who had to deal with a power tool-crazed pig while raising three very different children.

Remember their youngest son Mark turned out to be "goth" or whatever passed for "goth" on a hit ABC family comedy in the '90s?

Damn, come to think of it, I think the only people from Improvement that didn't have some sort of freaky deaky following were Wilson and the dudes from the hardware store. You know there was some lady out there with an Al Borland scrapbook.

So I wondered if other people had weird, unsung celebrity crushes in the '90s, off the beaten path of sanity. Yeah, we all liked the same rock stars, pop stars, Baywatch chicks, and cheesecake pinups. But what about the people whose poster you couldn't buy at Sam Goody or Walmart?

Family Matters' Steve Urkel As A Girl

Huh? Man, I bet there is also someone out there with a robot fetish who gets off on UrkelBot too.

The Girls In Veruca Salt

No argument here. Louise Post and Nina Gordon were stone-cold alt-rock '90s foxes. Can't fight the seether, or those American thighs.

Every Female On Club MTV

This suggestion came from another friend, who describes being enamored with the daisy duke-wearing revelers on MTV's daily bump n' grind fiesta. The Grind was pretty cool too, and a little bit more profane.


Most young girls in the '90s loved Jonathan Taylor Thomas with the heat of a thousand suns. The thing known as JTT turned 30 years old last September, making women all over the country feel at long last, incredibly old.

Michelangelo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

You don't need to be a real, live human to get love on this list. A co-worker shouted out the "Party Dude" ninja turtle as her early crush object. If he was a person, we would be Andrew WK I presume.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty